This was published in the London Observer, written by Terry Jones of Monty
Python fame.
To The Observer:
I’m really excited by George Bush’s latest reason for bombing Iraq:
He’s running out of patience. And so am I!
For some time now I’ve been really pissed off with Mr. Johnson,
who lives a couple of doors down the street.
Well, him and Mr. Patel, who runs the health food shop.
They both give me queer looks, and I’m sure
Mr. Johnson is planning something nasty for me,
but so far I haven’t been able to discover what.
I’ve been round to his place a few times to see what he’s up to,
but he’s got everything well hidden.
That’s how devious he is.
As for Mr. Patel, don’t ask me how I know, I just know -
from very good sources that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer.
I have leafleted the street telling them that
if we don’t act first, he’ll pick us off one by one.
Some of my neighbours say, if I’ve got proof,
why don’t I go to the police?
But that’s simply ridiculous.
The police will say that they need evidence of a crime
with which to charge my neighbours.
They’ll come up with endless red tape and quibbling
about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike
and all the while Mr. Johnson will be finalising
his plans to do terrible things to me,
while Mr. Patel will be secretly murdering people.
Since I’m the only one in the street with a decent range
of automatic firearms, I reckon
it’s up to me to keep the peace.
But until recently that’s been a little difficult.
Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear
that all I need to do is run out of patience,
and then I can wade in and do whatever I want!
And let’s face it, Mr. Bush’s carefully thought-
out policy towards Iraq is the only way
to bring about international peace and security.
The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist
suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK
is to bomb a few Muslim countries
that have never threatened us.
That’s why I want to blow up Mr. Johnson’s garage
and kill his wife and children. Strike first!
That’ll teach him a lesson.
Then he’ll leave us in peace and stop peering at me
in that totally unacceptable way.
Mr. Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know
before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really
nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction -
even if no one can find them.
I’m certain I’ve just as much justification
for killing Mr. Johnson’s wife and children as
Mr. Bush has for bombing Iraq.
Mr. Bush’s long-term aim is to make the world
a safer place by eliminating
‘rogue states’ and ‘terrorism’.
It’s such a clever long-term aim because
how can you ever know when you’ve achieved it?
How will Mr. Bush know when he’s wiped out all terrorists?
When every single terrorist is dead?
But then a terrorist is only a terrorist
once he’s committed an act of terror.
What about would-be terrorists?
These are the ones you really want to eliminate,
since most of the known terrorists,
being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves.
Perhaps Mr. Bush needs to wipe out everyone
who could possibly be a future terrorist?
Maybe he can’t be sure he’s achieved his objective
until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead?
But then some moderate Muslims might
convert to fundamentalism.
Maybe the only really safe thing to do
would be for Mr. Bush to eliminate all Muslims?
It’s the same in my street.
Mr. Johnson and Mr. Patel are
just the tip of the iceberg.
There are dozens of other people in the street
who I don’t like and who - quite frankly -
look at me in odd ways.
No one will be really safe until I’ve wiped them all out.
My wife says I might be going too
far but I tell her I’m simply using the same logic
as the President of the United States.
That shuts her up.
Like Mr. Bush, I’ve run out of patience,
and if that’s a good enough reason for the President,
it’s good enough for me.
I’m going to give the whole street two weeks -
no, 10 days - to come out in the open
and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers,
galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds,
and if they don’t hand them over nicely
and say ‘Thank you’,
I’m going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come.
It’s just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing -
and, in contrast to what he’s intending,
my policy will destroy only one street.
