This week's Horoscopes

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Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You will be torn between finishing your heating and air-conditioning degree and earning big money right away in the thriving HVAC field.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
It might be time to move your family to the inner city to avoid the ever-present dangers of the suburban west side.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Try to resolve your deep-seated issues with your body soon, because you're not going to be in it much longer.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You will experience a late flash of insight when you realize the gentleman actually meant that a man named "Hu" was on first base.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
A report published in the journal Nature hypothesizes that both genetics and social dynamics are to blame for you being such an asshole.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
The controversy over the photo of you meeting Hitler will continue to rage in spite of the scissor cuts, the Scotch tape, and the fact that your half is in color.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Disappointment will continue to haunt you in the form of the watery, weak stuff some dare to call "hot" salsa.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Studies find that nursing-home residents with children are happier and more at peace than those without. In 43 years, you will be a notable exception.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Though it's hardly your fault, you'll be despised by children around the world when Santa's desiccated corpse is found stuck in your chimney.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You will soon come under heavy criticism for the lack of minority representation in your record collection.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
It does not benefit you to continue producing, directing, and starring in your own cooking show years after it last aired.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
A Japanese fishing boat will catch you off the Philippine coast this week, astonishing scientists who thought you'd been extinct since the Pleistocene era.

With many thanks from The Onion