The World's Worst Groaners!

Living Room
#1

I’m a big fan of puns and jokes that play on words, and I always like a laugh so I thought we’d see how many groaners you folks can come up with. :slight_smile:

Here’s a few to start things off and apologies in advance. :stuck_out_tongue:

You know, I’m not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle!

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T’PAU! I said "Don’t you mean KAPOW?? He said “No, I’ve got china in my hand.”

So this guy says to me, “Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?” I thought “That’s all I need, a Je-Hoover’s witness”.

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue.” I said “No, just a watch.”

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it finally happened, he was chuffed to bits!

So I went down to the local supermarket, I said “I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said “Those are pickled onions”.

Wombler

#2

Okay, here we begin:

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office ‘oomph’ of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to portray, as long as they were famous.

“Well,” started Stallone, “I’ve always admired Mozart. I would love to play him.”

“Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano,” replied Willis. “I’ll play him.”

“I’ve always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes,” said Segall. “I’d like to play him.”

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. “Sounds splendid.” Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, “Who do you want to be, Arnold?” Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, “I’ll be Bach.”

#3

LOL, nice one!

Did I tell you I changed my iPod name to Titanic? It’s synching now.

[B]Wombler[/B]

#4

A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn’t know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N’-Chips stand. One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, "May I have just an order of fries?"
The brother said, “Hold on a moment. I’m the fish friar. You want the chip monk.”

Cannot get any worst

#5

[QUOTE=marloyd;2692658]Cannot get any worst[/QUOTE]

Wanna bet?! :slight_smile:

A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

[B]Wombler[/B]

#6

Those are pretty bad,this one not as bad but still bad

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous woman eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air. “Oh my god, I’m sooooo sorry,” the woman said as she popped her eye back into its socket. “Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.” They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman offered to drive him home. “But it’s over an hour out of your way,” the man said. “Are you sure you don’t mind?” “Not at all,” she said. “I’m looking forward to it.” The guy was amazed and flattered. “You know, you’re the perfect woman,” he said. “Are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replied, “you just happened to catch my eye!”

#7

Two men walked in to a bar…You would have thought one of them would have seen it.

What’s the first thing you do if you fall in to a lake…Get wet?

I’m not saying my wife’s fat, but every time she sits on a stool she gets a hangover.

I call my wife treasure, because people always ask “where did you dig her up”

(I actually do love my wife really)

#8

Oscar Wilde claimed he could discuss any subject at any time prepared or not. A companion once took him up on this claim, asking that he discourse on the subject of “The Queen.” Responded Wilde: “The queen is not a subject.”

#9

A man driving at 70mph on a motorway is overtaken by a chicken. Shocked by this, he puts his foot down to catch up with it. The chicken runs up a slip road and in to a country lane with the driver in hot pursuit. The chicken turns in to a farm gate and disappears behind some sheds, the driver gets out and knocks on the farm door in a state of disbelief, the farmer opens the door and the driver says he was beaten here by a chicken, the farmer says, oh yeah, quite possible that, how says the driver, well the farmer says. My chickens have three legs so my wife, son and I can have a leg each for dinner. Wow, that’s fantastic says the driver, what do they taste like?
I dunno says the farmer, I ain’t caught one yet.

A man is walking past a pig farm and the farmer is stroking and fussing a huge
sow, the man notices that the pig has only three legs. How come it’s only got three legs says the walker. Oo arr that be a real good pig that one, it’s saved my life on many occasion. How says the walker, well it’s like this the farmer replies, I got trapped under my tractor, the sow heaved on it until I was free, then I fell off the barn roof and the sow called an ambulance on my mobile phone, then when I had a heart attack the sow saved me by doin’ CPR and got my old ticker going again. Yes, fantastic said the walker, but why only three legs? Oh well said the farmer, with a pig that good you don’t want to eat it all at once, do you!

#10

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

[B]Wombler[/B]

#11

A man rushes in to a pub and shouts, “how big is a penguin” another bloke says, "they are about the hight of that chair seat. Owwwnoooo I’ve just run over a nun!

#12

[QUOTE=voxsmart;2692720]A man driving at 70mph on a motorway is overtaken by a chicken. Shocked by this, he puts his foot down to catch up with it. The chicken runs up a slip road and in to a country lane with the driver in hot pursuit. The chicken turns in to a farm gate and disappears behind some sheds, the driver gets out and knocks on the farm door in a state of disbelief, the farmer opens the door and the driver says he was beaten here by a chicken, the farmer says, oh yeah, quite possible that, how says the driver, well the farmer says. My chickens have three legs so my wife, son and I can have a leg each for dinner. Wow, that’s fantastic says the driver, what do they taste like?
I dunno says the farmer, I ain’t caught one yet.

A man is walking past a pig farm and the farmer is stroking and fussing a huge
sow, the man notices that the pig has only three legs. How come it’s only got three legs says the walker. Oo arr that be a real good pig that one, it’s saved my life on many occasion. How says the walker, well it’s like this the farmer replies, I got trapped under my tractor, the sow heaved on it until I was free, then I fell off the barn roof and the sow called an ambulance on my mobile phone, then when I had a heart attack the sow saved me by doin’ CPR and got my old ticker going again. Yes, fantastic said the walker, but why only three legs? Oh well said the farmer, with a pig that good you don’t want to eat it all at once, do you![/QUOTE]

Now that’s a sick one,Have you heard the string joke? A string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t serve strings here”. The string, without saying a word, walks outside where he proceeds to tie himself into knots and mess up his “hair”. When he walks back in and asks for a beer the bartender says, “Aren’t you the string that was just in here.” "No, he answered, “I’m afraid not”.

#13

[QUOTE=marloyd;2692766]Now that’s a sick one,.[/QUOTE]

Frayed sew. :bigsmile:

What about the obese alien from space that landed and demanded “take me to your larder”

#14

A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds.

One November evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favourite chair. On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she’d found frozen in the snow.

The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was towelling down the cold little bird. “I can’t take it any more! We’ve got to get rid of all of these darn…”

The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse. “Please Dear,” she said, “Not in front of the chilled wren.”

[B]Wombler[/B]

#15

Awwwwwwgroannnnnnnnn, orff that one worked.

A horse walked in to a bar and looked a the landlord. he looked back and said, “What’s with the long face”

#16

A guy goes to the doctor and tells him “I can’t sleep at night. I lay awake at night thinking I’m a wigwam. Then the next night I think I’m a tepee. First I’m a wigwam. Then I’m a tepee. Any ideas?”

“Ah, that’s obvious”, says the doctor. “You’re two tents”.

[B]Wombler[/B]

#17

There was a woman who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


    Ok here it is... the world's worst joke and I defy anyone to find one worse!  (Submitted by Diesel...):

        Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms.
        "How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo.
        "That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head.
        BONG!
        "That's amazing!" said Quasimodo. "Could you show me that again?"
        "Sure!" said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower. A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police office asked, "Does anyone know who he is?"
        Quasimodo came out and said...

"I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!"
#18

A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal witch doctor who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the witch doctor looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?”

[B]Wombler[/B]

#19

And in breaking news today, doctors have denied that the butcher who backed into a meat grinder yesterday had just got a little behind in his work! :bigsmile:

[B]Wombler[/B]

#20

Last night my wife and I watched three DVDs back to back.

I was lucky though, I was the one facing the TV. :bigsmile:

[B]Wombler[/B]