Is he coming this year? Last I heard he was in the midle of a lawsuit…
RIAA Sues Santa, Children
NORTH POLE, ARCTIC - On the first business day after Christmas, in what it is calling a “piracy sweep of global proportions,” the RIAA - on behalf of the record labels it represents - filed copyright infringement lawsuits in civil courts around the world against Santa Claus and millions of Christian children.
“Santa is a menace to the free market system,” explained Oldman Viernes, a litigator for the RIAA, who filed the complaints against Does 1-83,700,000.
“Santa may, in fact, be the reason almost everyone on earth now believes they deserve to get music for free. The whole Kringle myth stinks of entitlement. Ask for it, just sit on a lap and ask for it, and it shows up pretty as you please. It’s sinister in its simplicity - like Grokster.”
And the evidence can’t be denied. Look under almost any Christmas tree and there, wrapped up as “gifts,” are thousands upon thousands of CDs and DVDs, infringing on the rights, and royalties, of their copyright owners.
“See this U2 CD? You think Santa legitimately ‘bought’ this before he delivered it as one of his ‘gifts’? Hell no - that’s not the way the jolly thief thinks. He made it himself, with his elves. Thousands of elves, around the clock I imagine, burning CDs and DVDs of top selling music and first-run films, probably using piracy software gleaned from the Internet.”
“I guess Ol’ Nick figures, 'Screw U2, they’re rich - Bono can just borrow a few bucks from his buddy the Pope when the royalty checks stop flowing in.”
Spying a Spiderman II DVD from the corner of his eye, Oldman just shuddered.
“Maybe the Wooden Toy Train and Rag Doll Coalition couldn’t beat this bastard, but we’re the RIAA. We eat technophobic grandparents and ill-informed preteens for breakfast. We’ll bury Nicholas under so much paper, he’ll think it’s snowing.”
As millions of children in wealthy, developed countries began calling in swarms of legal counsel to answer the RIAA lawsuits, billions of children in non-Christian countries are casting a snarky glance at their well-to-do counterparts.
“Haha,” exclaimed Mozambique teen, Hurasch Moldala, as he swatted at the flies gathering around his bloated younger brother.
“Thank Ganesh we are Hindu. We may not have iPods, or an Xbox, or sanitation, but no one can sue us and take away our sand fleas and our dysentery. And we get our daily handful of government rice the honest way - through some world aid program or other.”