Thursday, February 1 12:00 AM ET
<!–DATE END–><!–STORY BEGIN–><TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width=510 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD height=68><!–HEADLINE BEGIN–>SRII Stymied in the Search for
Intelligence at the RIAA
<!–HEADLINE END–><!–AUTHOR BEGIN–>By MMFWMC <!–AUTHOR END–></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>Berkeley, Ca - After ten years of futile searching, researchers at the Search for Recording Industry Intelligence (SRII) have given up hope of finding any semblance of intelligence in the RIAA. Researchers initially hoped to find fully formed and coherent ideas emitted by the RIAA, but as time passed the early optimism slowly faded.
â€œRight now, we would be happy to just get some steady, consistent signal from them,â€ said Christopher Bennett, head of SRII at the University of California at Berkeley.
After the success of the Spice Girls, it was clear that the search for intelligence in the recording industry would be long and difficult, but their inability to adapt to modern technology has left SRII in despair.
â€œWe thought we had found at least an indirect hint that the RIAA had developed rudimentary, if flawed, intelligence when iTunes started. It turned out that they were just orienting themselves toward the nearest source of money, like plants following the sun.â€
After getting high and watching a rerun of 2001: A Space Odyssey, several members of the SRII tried to jumpstart the development of several key RIAA members. They began by showing the executives images of simple things, like fire. The captivesâ€™ only response was to smear poorly drafted lawsuits on the wall using their own dung. â€œI donâ€™t know why they did that,â€ said Bennet. â€œWe made sure they had plenty of paper and pens.â€
Hopes were finally dashed when RIAA executives insisted on installing â€œcripplewareâ€ on MP3 players. â€œWhich would you rather do? Pay for something broken or steal something that works?â€ asked SRII psychologist and serial music downloader, Jamie Whiteside. â€œThis is clear evidence there is no higher cognitive function at work anywhere in the RIAA.â€
The RIAA issued a lengthy statement in response the news defending their lack of intelligence, but threatened to sue anyone who published it.
SRII is a research project which uses giant radio antennas to monitor the airwaves and spare processing cycles from Internet users MP3 players to search for signs of intelligence at the RIAA.