If you read some of my posts on CDFreaks, you might wonder why there are inverted letters and words that do not make sense here and there. You might also maybe wonder why I have special requests, or needs, that also seem to make no sense at all. As I am online all day, you might wonder if I have a life at all. These are issues I preferably try to never bring up for a variety of reasons, but ultimately, I am always obligated to bring them up. In this case, I could go on with the way I did, but I want to avoid myself being redundant, maybe avoid some explanations and misunderstandings, so I really prefer just to create a thread about it, so here it comes. Please only read if you have time in front of you, and please read everything carefully. In october of 2003, a brain tumor was diagnocized. Since january of 1998, my senses were becoming progressively more and more sensitive to almost everything. And then in september 2003, all at once they became so sensitive I had to stop living outside of my place, and live a life made only of theory. Since that time, my senses have become so sensitive to virtually any visual and auditive stimulus, that I was forced to retract in my home, to lurk in the shadow, while awaiting a cure, which I still do today. It’s not an easy ride, but at least I know it’s just a ride, and it’s temporary.
Everyone just do the same things. If you want to do anything to me, tell anything to me that is obvious well, I appreciate kindness, I appreciate having interesting discussions, but in this thread at least, could you just not say such obvious things, or try to put a little meat in your bone? I mean, do you imagine on how often I have heard people wishing me to get well soon, hoping I’d be recovered, and the countless number of times I heard paraphrases of the same few basic sentences? Imagine if you go to school or to work and you had, say an injured arm. You hate it very soon when people ask you “What happenened to you?” and after, “Will you recover soon?”, and then “I wish you to get well!”, and “Time fixes everything!”, I am not trying to sound bad but, you get what I mean? After a while, you just hope that people will stop seeing you as anything remotely different from the way you were before, or from just an ordinary, nameless face, which is also the case for me. I really hope I do not sound grumpy with this. Of course, I guess you wonder these things about me, so I am going to tell you, it will avoid such conceptions and gimmicks.
The tumor affects me because all my senses are sensitive, especially my vision and my hearing. I cannot stand any video, even for split second (no tv, movies, video games ever), I cannot stand many lightings, colors, patterns (because they produce moirÃ©-like effects, google it if you want to understand what the term means), I never go out of my home at all because sun burns my eyes, because my retinas are hyper sensitive and get burned really easily. If I am exposed to such things, enormous pain that last for a very long time awaits me. Can you imagine how life is horrendous to me? It is, it’s a living hell, I do not wish this to happen on anyone, even the people I hate the most in the world. I prefer not to elaborate about what I feel, it’s so tricky to explain, sometimes it’s like explaining what colors are to a marn born blind. And as it is so hard to explain, it somewhat excentricizes me, and makes everyone feel awkward. This feeling I create in people’s mind, which make me feel bad, or afraid to make it spawn in people’s minds, it’s ruining my life; people will either not do anything fearing to hurt me, or make me feel bad without it being their fault, can you imagine how it’s horrible to go through this all for me, as I do not stand any choice, whatsoever? When you read that, you obviously had a few of these negative ideas, conceptions in mind. Such things are normal, in the end, benevolence, because I need to feel good, prevails upon desperately trying to be sensisble, and I desperately need to feel good, these things are reciproque.
I have the same problem for sound: no music ever, no radio, sound from tv, ever, in any way. I use my phone, but I have to turn it off whenever I hear music, I have extremely high and persistant hyperacusis (hyper sensibility to loud sounds, but also high or low pitched sound, such as any sound coming from an electrical source, especially music), and I have tinnituses that bug be all the time, they never ever stop to rest. It’s hard, but it’s my life, and I only have one to live.
And the reason I make typos and phrases that sometime make no sense, is not that english is not my first language (it’s french, but I live in Canada, and I speak, read and write prefect english), it’s just that I have a hard time reading dense texts, so I cannot edit myself at all pretty much ever. I can only try to write as well as I can before I output texts, save for very few circumstances, all in all I think I write very well still. If you wonder how I can even stand a monitor, well, I have an LCD monitor, but I disabled every animation, I fine-tuned the settings so they’d just be at their best, right now it’s the best that can ever be. Still, I cannot do much, I only visit about 5% of all websites, since colors and such bother me to no end. CDFreaks I can tolerate very fortunately. I will not go on about the pain I have to cope with: it’s HORRENDOUS. I just need to really feel good, I like CDFreaks, since it’s a very friendly site with mostly respectful people. And burning CDs well, since it does not make me feel pain at all, it sure can keep me occupied for a lifetime, still I want to profit from life soon.
Lastly, about my cure, well I will get cured, but I do not know when at all, only it will be in a relatively short term, and I will get back everything with no consequence at all. I made by myself all the efforts to get access to proper medical treatments, I succeeded in making my tumor shrink, to lose all the weight I had (I am not obse anymore at all), in fact in everything but the sole thing that really matters to me: my senses. So while awaiting for my cure, I desperately try to forget it with the pain I live with, and the very few remaining means I have left. No one ever comes to visit me, and as good as some of you are, I would be really skeptical that I would see any of you in real life, at least while I am ill, please do not try to make genalistic, parabolic statesments; I heard them all ,and I just need to feel good. I always feel bad, try to cheer me up with benevolence any way you can, if you want to really help me.
I am sorry if I made any of you even remotely frown, that was not my intention, but I think you gathered. I am not a lunatic, I am a perfectly intelligent being, this disease has got nothing to do with my intellect at all, I have just been extremely unfortunate, and senses issues are often associated with mental diseases, fortunately, I have nothing to do while awaiting, to live of theory, and I have cultivated the most beautiful, and intelligent mind that ever was. It’s very hard to explain, still. Please try to understand the last thing I ever need is to feel excentricized, simply because I am not. However, the first thing I need is to feel genuinely good, as I hate myself in a sense, and for that, and not only for burning and stuff, I think that you all can try to make a difference.
Thanks a lot for reading