Please, Please, Just Kill Me
by Scroll Lock
I’ve learned to face the facts. My time has come and gone. Nobody uses me anymore. Donâ€™t believe any of the happy bullshit you hear about using me for scrolling through Excel spreadsheets or some fucking thing. It’s over. The advent of the wheel mouse was just the last nail in my coffin; it’s time for me to leave the stage.
It really sucks being the absolute most useless key on the entire keyboard. Out of 104 keys â€“ dead last! Sure, I used to be important at one time, for reasons I can’t really remember. But those days are long gone.
There was a time when I thought there were other keys worse off than I am. Things weren’t looking so good for Backslash/Pipe for a while, but then MS-DOS came along and everything was backslash this, backslash that. I thought Print Screen was going to bite the dust when increasingly complicated print drivers basically made it impossible to print something with just a single keystroke. But then Microsoft came along again, and made it so that Print Screen puts a screen capture on the Windows clipboard.
And don’t even get me started on that fucking “Little Arrow Pointing At A Rectangle” key. You know the one I mean, it started popping up next to the right Control key a few years ago. That little bastard has absolutely nothing going for it. People are always hitting it when they’re going for the Control or Alt keys; they don’t really know its function; and it’s contributing to the relentless, shameful shrinkage of the all-important Space Bar (a development that Space Bar, I assure you, is none too pleased about). On top of that, it doesn’t even have a fucking name. I was sure it wasn’t going to last. But it’s still more popular than I am.
Meanwhile, I’ve been sitting here minding my own business, slowly dwindling into obsolescence. It seems like Pause/Break is the only one who really understands what I’m going through. We’ve been neighbors for many years now, and he’s been through a lot of the same problems as me. Oh, he’s still used now and then, like to pause computer games and stuff like that â€“ at least he’s got the advantage that his name kind of means something to people. I’m not so lucky. Even people who know that Tilde is called ‘Tilde’ and not ‘Squiggly’ don’t know what the hell to make of ‘Scroll Lock.’
So please, for the love of God, just kill me. Take a car key or a screwdriver and pry me up. I’m tired of just sitting here every day, collecting dust while dozens of other keys clickety-click industriously around me. Press Alt-F4 on my pathetic, miserable existence and let me rest in peace.
poor Scroll Lock key