Personal problem need advice

vbimport

#1

Withe the dicoder I had to google most of those words

I have my Sisters Son now staying with me
He is 22 and has .Droped out of School .extra Study stuff >

I only took him in because its his last chance .

never had to hide money or stuff from my 3 boys ( my kids said i brought them up with Disiplin LIKE a good wack )
Short story I always thought I had more money in my Draw
I was invited out 4 Tea chessecake (my Drool )

But thought maybe he cojmes home when I am out .so I left my draw ajar
whitch i put the TV remote and Xbox controls in . He asked me Aunty DI can i have the TV remote Sure you asked so nicely .
The Draww was Closed .I asked DIDyou come home befor NO .Checked my money
THEN 'DID you come into my Room and take 100rand
Yes lot of cock and bull But took money out of wallet gave it back
TOLD next time you do that I an going to phone the police going to take finger prints AND you going to Prison (gail)

Its Hard when you have a 22year old to Bring up Disoplin than a 6 year old

HELP


#2

If he needs money, its time for him to look for a job, even a part time job if he is planning on returning to school.


#3

Oh dear. :sad:

This sounds awfully familiar. Reminds me of how my two older sisters were at times when we were growing up. (Fortunately that was a long time ago. Although much more recent than it should have been. :()

I desperately wish I could offer some advice, but I’m completely out of my depth. All I can contribute are flowers, hugs & lots of love.

(:flower:)(:flower:)(:flower:)


#4

He has a job his dad Evan bought him a gardening business.
Im the one that makes him go do his contraks
killing the Electric switch ( no X box )


#5

It is hard to instill morals and integrity into a person that old. One thing I have seen when it comes to young men is that they can change when they reach the age of 25-26 years old. It seems like they can start thinking long term and find direction for their lives. This has happened with male family members and my friends’ male children. Unfortunately, I think the only one that can change him is himself at this point. I would require him to make a plan for his long term and immediate future and tell him you expect him to follow through on it. Maybe you could make your assistance to him conditional on him following the plan AND not stealing from you. Give him chores around the house that he is responsible for completing. Make him earn his keep in various ways. Holding him accountable might just make him respect you and in the process learn to respect himself.


#6

[QUOTE=Kerry56;2759220]If he needs money, its time for him to look for a job, even a part time job if he is planning on returning to school.[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE=Ibex;2759221]Oh dear. :sad:

This sounds awfully familiar. Reminds me of how my two older sisters were at times when we were growing up. (Fortunately that was a long time ago. Although much more recent than it should have been. :()

I desperately wish I could offer some advice, but I’m completely out of my depth. All I can contribute are flowers, hugs & lots of love.

(:flower:)(:flower:)(:flower:)[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE=UTR;2759224]It is hard to instill morals and integrity into a person that old. One thing I have seen when it comes to young men is that they can change when they reach the age of 25-26 years old. It seems like they can start thinking long term and find direction for their lives. This has happened with male family members and my friends’ male children. Unfortunately, I think the only one that can change him is himself at this point. I would require him to make a plan for his long term and immediate future and tell him you expect him to follow through on it. Maybe you could make your assistance to him conditional on him following the plan AND not stealing from you. Give him chores around the house that he is responsible for completing. Make him earn his keep in various ways. Holding him accountable might just make him respect you and in the process learn to respect himself.[/QUOTE]

Thanks
I did try to have a decent conversation with him BUT he was high
Made Sure he dident get High in my Flat .

I have a Son in Matric and MY whole Fam is now comming down on me llike a ton fo Brics to have regan stay withus , that Bradleys going to be corrupted ( 18)
I think with moms guidance he can see ( showed him what was done His face turned white and a look of Shock )

How to get a person wit I coudent care Attitude to Caring


#7

Hard to say if you can get him to actually care or not. Sounds like he already has issues and has no problem taking advantage of family or friends and that is why your his last resort.
IF he wants to truly change you might be able to help him get there, but he also might just see you as weak and easy to manipulate to get whatever he wants till you get fed up so be very careful.
My helper at work is a good kid who’s around 25 but his work ethic sucks. He doesn’t care about showing up slightly early so we can load my work van together, he loves to sit on his phone looking useless crap up whenever he’s not busy, and will even do it when he’s supposedly working, plus I’ve caught him hiding and playing with his phone when he thinks I’m busy.
He’s not a thief but he certainly needs a few lessons on how life and work in general is supposed to go, he just doesn’t care as long as he gets paid to show up. He was even told he’d get a 50 cent raise provided he showed up at least on time everyday for a bit. He showed up early twice then only shows up on time on accident since.
he costs me a hour a day in just putzing around with his phone and I’ve even blown up at him a few times about it but nothing changes and I get yelled at.
Kids today for the most part just don’t get doing the right thing, actually working for a living, etc.
I was brought up to show up on time, do the best job I can, and never steal or lie about crap, and family is everything so never mess with them.
Good luck with him and I hope it works out OK for you and him, but watch your back.


#8

Is there a family or drugs advice service, or charity, you can contact for support?

Some friends in Spain have been having terrible trouble with one of sons recently (in his late-30s). They found somewhere they could go to (without him) and just having somebody to talk to helped them a lot.


#9

Being a man I would probably have started with a good beating .
The kind that might have put him in the hospital.
That being said .
It would be a good idea not to keep money around for a while.
Also anything that might be pawned . Jewelery for example might be better kept elsewhere.
If you are still going to give helping him a try & I assume you are .
I don’t know how you are yourself about this suggestion .
And don’t take it as being too preachy.
Make part of his “rent” for staying in your home accompanying you to church every Sunday. Sure couldn’t hurt. At least that would show him other people have better morals.

As for being high even if he did it elsewhere & came home that way.
Wait till he goes to “sleep” from being high.
Tie him up & leave him about 20 miles or so out in the country.
Without shoes . If he has to make a good walk back . He will get the message.


#10

His poor Dad s a Deacan in the Baptist Church
so religion is not going to help
Wait till he goes to “sleep” from beiung high.
Ill do that and go to his bakkie and look in his glove compartment

His Dad has got him a contract from next month to cut all the Grass from the municipality Substations

I dont often have money around
you have to think like a crook to find a thife

Its not the money Lying around its Some one comming into your Bedroom going into your undeware draws rifilig throug your stuff


#11

[QUOTE=diane7;2759250]His poor Dad s a Deacan in the Baptist Church
so religion is not going to help [/QUOTE]

Hi Di ,
Just because his dad’s a deacon doesn’t mean your nephew has been to church recently.
Maybe he never listened . My opinion is the good association would do him good.

I’m not going to quote any scripture in the forum because that’s frowned upon for some reason. This is the gist of it:
An elder or deacon should have his family inline or not be one .

[QUOTE=diane7;2759250]
Wait till he goes to “sleep” from being high.
Ill do that and go to his bakkie and look in his glove compartment
[/QUOTE]
And a few other places as well .
Leave him a note & ask if he now feels violated.

[QUOTE=diane7;2759250]
you have to think like a crook to find a thief
[/QUOTE]
That’s what law enforcement does isn’t it ?
While I’m sure that fits some law enforcement let’s hope it doesn’t fit all of them.

[QUOTE=diane7;2759250]
Its not the money Lying around its Some one coming into your Bedroom going into your undeware draws rifling through your stuff [/QUOTE]
For me it would be the money & then the privacy violation.
Probably not the same in South Africa.
In Texas there is the “Castle Doctrine” where if you find someone rifling through you drawers you can shoot them. Of course most wouldn’t do this to a nephew. But what if you didn’t recognize who it was ? Besides if you don’t shoot to kill a bullet in the butt might do a lot of good.


#12

[QUOTE=cholla;2759259]In Texas there is the “Castle Doctrine” where if you find someone rifling through you drawers you can shoot them. Of course most wouldn’t do this to a nephew. But what if you didn’t recognize who it was ? Besides if you don’t shoot to kill a bullet in the butt might do a lot of good.[/QUOTE] Congratulations. This is the worst advice I’ve seen on a forum on any subject.

I’m pretty sure the Castle Doctrine is not intended as an excuse to shoot family members who are not responding well to parenting.

The nephew being shot in the butt would probably be in the right to respond with deadly force as an act of self defense.

Not all problems can be solved by shooting at them.


#13

If he has a drug habit, then feeding that habit will always be top of his list before family loyalty.
If he can get help and get off the drugs, then the need to take someone else’s hard earned cash will be much reduced.

There is no magic wand to be waved here. He needs to get into drug rehab, and get off the drugs.


#14

[QUOTE=DrageMester;2759264]Congratulations. This is the worst advice I’ve seen on a forum on any subject.

I’m pretty sure the Castle Doctrine is not intended as an excuse to shoot family members who are not responding well to parenting.
[/QUOTE]

The reference was to a [B]thief[/B] found rifling through a persons property. Also I left it to if the [B]thief[/B] was recognized as a nephew.
The bullet should be the the butt. Rarely fatal.

I would have to find it but I don’t believe the Castle Doctrine requires self-defense as a reason.
I know not all problems can be solved by shooting at them .
My first suggestion was a good beating.
If I let a family member stay in my home & that person turned out to be a [B]thief[/B] . If they only got a beating they should count themselves lucky.
To me it is a much greater level of crime than if a stranger drug addict was the thief. Downright personal.


#15

cholla.
I think the point that Drage was making was. I violent act is usually met with a violent response.
Violence breeds violence, and very rarely solves anything.


#16

I was kind of kidding with the first post about this but since it has gotten into a more serious discussion.

[QUOTE=Dee;2759267]cholla.
I think the point that Drage was making was. I violent act is usually met with a violent response.
Violence breeds violence, and very rarely solves anything.[/QUOTE]

I realize some have that opinion.
That isn’t the culture I was raised in.
Not just Texas but the USA in general.
I don’t think there has been a decade in over a hundred years that the USA hasn’t been in a war or police action .
I think the UK & a lot of Europe were happy to see violent action in WW2 by the citizens of the USA as well as their own.
I think the violent response was necessary. So it does solve some problems .
Now for an example : An armed robber has you at gunpoint & thinks you can identify him. Since your in the UK let’s say a law enforcement officer can prevent you from being shot but only by shooting the robber.
Let’s make the officer an excellent shot.
Do you want the officer to use violence or let the robber shoot ?

If this was the USA I would have used armed civilian instead.

BTW The Texas legislature just passed concealed carry (with concealed carry permit) on college campuses . This is a civilian permit not law enforcement.
So I’m not the sole Texan that believe in some violence to solve situations.


#17

I don’t think violence within a family setting is ever something to advise. I have some experience in this, though my story is a little different from Diane’s. My nephew was a very smart guy, graduated from college, got a good job and had a wife and son. He seemed to be doing well. But he suffered from an undiagnosed condition…bipolar disorder, and his mood swings were exaggerated by an increasing reliance on alcohol. His life came crashing down and he had to move back in with his mother (my sister). It ruined her marriage and was a direct cause of her divorce, but she stuck with him, even when he came apart at the seams and was on the verge of violence with her and me. Believe me, if we had been violent with him, it would have been tragic.

He lived with me for a while, when there was no where else to go. And he hid his addiction to alcohol pretty well, until the depressive stage of his bipolar condition would drop him into a funk from which he couldn’t get out. Treatments, medication, rehab, all of that nearly ruined my sister’s finances, but we kept trying to help.

Sometimes there isn’t a solution. Doesn’t mean you don’t try. I do think that establishing a set of rules while he lived with me or with my sister helped him, but it wasn’t enough. It certainly wasn’t enough to stop him drinking, and rehab never came close to stopping it. He died in his sleep from a combination of too much alcohol and the prescribed medication for his bipolar condition.

So for Diane’s situation, I’d recommend making a few rules for her nephew. No drugs anywhere near the house, no stealing, go to work and don’t rely on her to make sure that he goes. Diane’s older sons and other family members should have a little talk with him to make sure he understands these things if he is to remain in her house. And he should make it a priority that once he has the financial means, it would be best to get his own place. Her generosity should be seen as a boost, not a semi-permanent solution.


#18

Of course Kerry if Di’s nephew in bi-polar that is a lot different situation.
The he needs to get on medication & stay that way.

Getting her sons or other family to make him understand there are rules is only about a step away from something physical. Even if he turned out to have a mental condition he would need to understand there are still rules .

Since Di didn’t post that is the situation I assume he is just taking drugs for fun & don’t care who he hurts in the process. I sure don’t know what South Africa does if they find his drugs in Di’s home. She might go to jail as well . That’s the rest of the story . So if he is mentally ill he gets some sympathy from me. If not then he gets none.

Let me tell you just one story about a somewhat similar situation.
My former next door neighbor’s son who had lived there since he was 6 or 7.
Got into drugs & breaking into houses. He eventually broke into mine . His own dad found the stolen items & insisted I call the police. The kid was 18 & got about 8 months in jail. I got to give my neighbor cudos for having no sympathy for his son.
I think he also knew if I had caught his son they would have been carrying him out in a body bag.
Now for the rest of the story. About a month after he got out my house was again broken into again. Almost the exact same items stolen. I couldn’t prove it the second time as he didn’t live next door any more. His parents had already moved so I had no way to locate him to let the police investigate. If they even would have.
So maybe that explains part of my attitude about druggie thieves.


#19

[QUOTE=Kerry56;2759275]I don’t think violence within a family setting is ever something to advise. I have some experience in this, though my story is a little different from Diane’s. My nephew was a very smart guy, graduated from college, got a good job and had a wife and son. He seemed to be doing well. But he suffered from an undiagnosed condition…bipolar disorder, and his mood swings were exaggerated by an increasing reliance on alcohol. His life came crashing down and he had to move back in with his mother (my sister). It ruined her marriage and was a direct cause of her divorce, but she stuck with him, even when he came apart at the seams and was on the verge of violence with her and me. Believe me, if we had been violent with him, it would have been tragic.

He lived with me for a while, when there was no where else to go. And he hid his addiction to alcohol pretty well, until the depressive stage of his bipolar condition would drop him into a funk from which he couldn’t get out. Treatments, medication, rehab, all of that nearly ruined my sister’s finances, but we kept trying to help.

Sometimes there isn’t a solution. Doesn’t mean you don’t try. I do think that establishing a set of rules while he lived with me or with my sister helped him, but it wasn’t enough. It certainly wasn’t enough to stop him drinking, and rehab never came close to stopping it. He died in his sleep from a combination of too much alcohol and the prescribed medication for his bipolar condition.

So for Diane’s situation, I’d recommend making a few rules for her nephew. No drugs anywhere near the house, no stealing, go to work and don’t rely on her to make sure that he goes. Diane’s older sons and other family members should have a little talk with him to make sure he understands these things if he is to remain in her house. And he should make it a priority that once he has the financial means, it would be best to get his own place. Her generosity should be seen as a boost, not a semi-permanent solution.[/QUOTE]
Great advise do what you can but there is no silver bullet but to try the best you can and things don’t always turn out the way you hope for sorry to hear about it in your case Kerry I had a simular thing happen with my oldest son.

depression, alchohol, drugs then death and I still think to myself what more could I have done.


#20

Your house , your rules. Lock your vaulables and keep your money on you as long as he is in the house. He will betray you more and more if you do not.

If he crosses the line of harming you to get money for his addiction, he will also have crossed the line where you alone cannot help him.

It’s heartbreaking, but usually someone has to reach rock bottom to understand they need to change. And even then, they only will accept minimal help.