Official Joke and Funnies thread (no joke = no post)

vbimport

#2375

This is too funny to be dirty
The husband leans over and asks his wife, ‘Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.’

  'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.' 

‘OK,’ he says, ‘How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?’

‘Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!’

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence … The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in … Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, ‘Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?’

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, ‘Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.’


#2376

The other day a local mosque opened its doors and invited non-Muslims to visit in the spirit of their faith’s willingness

to be open and welcoming, so I too decided to go to the local mosque in Lakemba for the first time to see

what it was all about:

Lakemba has a large Muslim population and the Lakemba Mosque is one of Australia’s largest.

At the time I was limping a little.

I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:

"By the will of Allah and the prophet Muhammed -

you will walk today."

I told him I wasn’t paralysed, I only had a small bunion on my left foot.

He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra:

"By the will of Allah and the

prophet Muhammed - you WILL walk today."

Once again, I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

After prayers I stepped outside and bugger me he was right,

MY CAR WAS GONE


#2377

:clap::clap::clap::clap::clap::bow:

Great to see you back here again my friend. The old place just isn’t the same without you. :flower:


#2378

Hey Ibex how are you doing ? I’ve come back a couple times just to see what’s happening. I’ve been in alot of pain,can’t walk in the morning until I take my drugs.



#2379

[QUOTE=marloyd;2783993]Hey Ibex how are you doing ? I’ve come back a couple times just to see what’s happening. I’ve been in alot of pain,can’t walk in the morning until I take my drugs.[/QUOTE]
Much the same as you - in a lot of pain & can’t walk too well. Brain & eyes been particularly bad the last few months, so haven’t been using the computer more than I have to.

Went to Spain again last month to restock with Amitriptyline. (Must stop calling it a [I]drugs run[/I], those who hide behind acronyms are not know for their ability to recognise irony. :iagree:) Wasn’t the best trip. All the prickly pear cacti around the house were dying from an infestation of mites, released from the cochineal farms in neighbouring Almeria province when they shut down, unable to compete with synthetic carmine dyes. So the whole lot had to be cut down and removed - tonnes and tonnes of the stuff. (My father has gone out for a fortnight after we got back just to finish the job of disposing of the stuff.)

I wasn’t in a fit state to go out much either. Usually I can manage 5 days out birdwatching, but this time it was only 3. But the quality more than made up for the quantity. Among the highlights were a record 34+ Marbled Ducks (lucky to see 2 on a good day, 6 is exceptional, but this was a sizable proportion of the entire Spanish population), a Buff-bellied Sandpiper (should have been heading to South America from the Arctic - must have turned left by mistake) and our second ever Great White Egret; with the added bonus of it flying right past a local guide (with clients) who missed it. Have some photos to post when I can.

Take care. :flower:


#2380

[Better get back on topic…]

[I]Girlfriend & boyfriend are talking.[/I]

[I]The girlfriend says to the boyfriend; “Jimmy, how do you spell paedophillia?”[/I]

[I]The Boyfriend looks at her in amazement. “Gosh honey, that’s an awfully big word for an eight year old.”[/I]

From A Walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson (attributed to Stephen Katz)


#2381

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat, And one says to the other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”“Odd,” her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, “Hot Dogs, get your dogs here,” and they both walk towards the hot dog cart. “Two dogs, please!,” says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs.’ The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush, and then, after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers:“What part did you get?”


#2382

:clap::clap::clap: ROTFL!


#2383

no one has a new joke


#2384

:iagree: :smiley: We have to be able to laugh at ourselves in order to have a good laugh. :smiley: :iagree:

Guy Jokes

A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT BLONDE FEMALES FLOAT AROUND THE INTERNET BUT SOME MAY BE SURPRISED THAT THERE IS A WHOLE GROUP OF JOKES ABOUT MEN THAT MANY DO NOT SEE. ENJOY THIS OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’

‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’

He yelled back, ’ OHIO STATE !’

And they say blondes are dumb…


A couple is lying in bed. The man says,‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world…’

The woman replies, 'I’ll miss you… '.


‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower…‘Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’

‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.


Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor


Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,I’ll beat him to death. AMEN


Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.


Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy


Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.


Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe…


Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the email folder ‘Instruction Manuals’


While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world…

…then He made the earth round.


#2385

A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Newfoundlander were sitting in a bar in

Toronto. The view was fantastic, the beer was excellent, the food

exceptional.

“As good as this is,” said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back

home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The Landlord

goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he will buy

the fifth drink for you."

“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, "At my local pub in London, the Red

Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.

"Ahhh, dat’s nothin’, said the Newfie. "Back home in Sin Jahn’s there’s

the Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a

drink, then another, all the drinks you like actually. Then, when you’ve

had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs & see dat you gets laid, all

on the house!"

The Englishman & Scotsman immediately shout down the Newfie’s claims,

but he swears every word is true. “Well,” said the Englishman, still

suspicious, “did this actually happen to you?”

“Not meself, personally, no” admitted the Newf.

“But it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”



#2386

Ë„LOL, poor girl :bigsmile:


#2387

Rum & Coke

A Baptist minister was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John’s.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Newfie asked for Rum & Coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust…

“I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,

“Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice.” …!!!


#2388

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon and shouts,

Baloonist : Excuse me, can you please help? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago but I don’t know where I am.

Man : Yes you are in a balloon hovering approx.30 feet. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 deg West longitude.

Ballonist : You must be an engineer.

Man : I am, How did you know.

Baloonist : Well ! everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost.

Man : You must be a manager

Baloonist : I am. How did you know?

Man : Well, you don’t know where you are. You have made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the same position you were in, before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.


#2389

A man walks into a bar with a cat and an ostrich, orders three beers and sits down. The ostrich buys the next round, and the man the next, and so it goes all night, the cat never buying a round.

As they’re leaving the bartender asks the man, “How come the cat never bought a round?”. The guy replies, “I had one wish from a genie and I asked for a tall bird with a tight pussy.”

==

A man walks into a bar and as he’s passing the counter, he hears a little voice saying, “Ooh, you look great tonight sir, very smart.”

A little later he walks to the loo and, as he passes the vending machines, he hears someone shout, “Oi you, you’re a fucking cunt!”.

When he gets back to the counter, he asks the bar tender what’s going on and he replies, " The peanuts are complementary and the cigarette machine’s out of order."


#2390