Official Joke and Funnies thread (no joke = no post)

vbimport

#2355

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
A French policeman stops the Englishman’s car and asks if he has been drinking.
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, That his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.
He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with a bit of humor, “No sir, I do not! But while we’re asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving . . . . . on the other side?”



#2356



#2357

It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.

“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”

“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.” My husband said, “Screw him, give him a dollar.”

The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”


#2358

Cute :clap::clap::clap:


#2359

QUOTE=olyteddy;2754545 Moar? http://hendrix2.uoregon.edu/~dlivelyb/phys101/jokes.html[/QUOTE]

Some are pretty far fetched and stupidly funny :slight_smile:

And so it was to be, that after the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply."
The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind. When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can’t multiply. We’re adders."
Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished lumber therefrom
And he saw that it was good.
The snakes were overjoyed when Noah picked them up and placed them on it. Noah and the snakes both knew that even adders could multiply on a log table.

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, “They are 73 million, four years, and six months old.”
“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. "How do you know
their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were seventy three million
years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years
ago.”


#2360

AN UGLYman walks into a bar and a beautiful
woman approaches him.
“How would you like to get out of here?” the
woman asks the man.
The man is amazed. He never thought
a woman like her would ever approach him so he
quickly agrees. They both get into his car and
drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of
the whole city.Within seconds, they start taking
off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex
they finally finish. They both put their clothes
back on and sit there awkwardly.
The woman speaks up, “I’m a prostitute and
it’s going to be 100 dollars for my service.”
The man is stunned and saddened that she
didn’t really like him. He gives her the money and
they both sit there.
The woman says that she is ready to leave and
the man replies “I’m a taxi driver and it’s going to
be 150 dollars for the ride here and back.”

[B]MY EX-WIFE died, so I went to the
cemetery to honour her. I poured a fine,
12-year-old bottle of scotch on her grave.
After filtering it through my kidneys,[/B]

[B]Q. WHAT’S IRISH AND STAYS
OUT ALL NIGHT?
A. PATTY O’FURNITURE.[/B]


#2361

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. “I noticed the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.”


#2362

Jesus is coming!

After Half-Life 3…


#2363

This is an oldie but a goody

[B]THE ROOSTER[/B]

There was a farmer who ran a mixed farm of chickens, ducks, sheep, cattle, etc. Unfortunately times were bad and he wasn’t making much money, but there was still money in chickens and he decided to get a good rooster to build up the bloodline of his chickens.

At the chicken stud farm they had an [B]exceptional[/B] rooster from a top blood line but it was [B]very expensive[/B]. After much thought the farmer decided to buy the rooster and take it home.

Before he introduced the eager rooster to his chickens he gave it a good talking to, he said, “now you’ve cost me a lot of money and though I want a return for my money I want you to pace yourself remember Rome wasn’t built in a day, I don’t want you to wear yourself out in one day and drop dead the next”. With that he let the rooster free in the hen house, well within 20 minutes he had serviced all 300 of his hens, within another 20 minutes he had serviced them again, he was halfway through servicing his exhausted hens for a third time when the farmer decided that was enough he would end up doing more harm than good so he opened the gate and chased the rooster out.

The rooster shot down to the duck pond and started servicing the ducks, by the time the farmer got there, all around him were totally exhausted ducks lying everywhere within an inch of their lives, the farmer chased the rooster away from the ducks but it ended up the same story with the geese, and then the sheep, and then his dairy cows, when the farmer had chased the rooster away from the dairy cows he went back to the farm house for a net to catch the rooster before it did itself an injury as it had cost him a lot of money.

The farmer then went looking for the rooster in the horse paddock there were exhausted horses every where but no rooster. After looking for a while he noticed a flock of vultures circling in the air above the corner of the paddock, his worst fears were realised, there was the rooster lying on his back, his legs in the air, his head to one side and his tongue hanging out, about to become dinner for the vultures.

The farmer went up to him with tears in his eyes he said “I told you to pace yourself, to go easy, now look what you’ve done you’ve killed yourself”.

With that the rooster opened one eye quickly looked up to the sky then said "ssshhhh they’re getting closer!!!


#2364

"It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripesheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ Pilots (marked with a P) and the Solutions Recorded (marked with an S) by Maintenance Engineers. By the way, Qantas is still the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget."


#2365

"Boy without a bike.

For his birthday little Dennis asked for a ten speed bicycle. His father said,

"son we would give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $200000 & your mother

just lost her job". There is just no way we can afford it. The next day the father

saw little Dennis heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked his son,

where he was going? Little Dennis told him, " I was walking past your room last night

& heard you tell mum that you were pulling out". Then I heard mum tell you to wait

because she was coming too. I will be damned if I am staying here by myself with a

$200000 mortgage & no freakin bike."


#2366

"An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.

Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Life is Short. Smile!"


#2367

A naked man ran past three old ladies sitting on a bench I the park. The first two had a stroke but the third one couldn’t reach.


#2368

"Today’s generation daughter texts Dad on MODERN MARRIAGE WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT

“Daddy, I am coming home to get married, soon. Get out your cheque book. LOL I’m in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia , and he lives in Scotland . We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we’ve had two months of relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding! Lots of love and thanks, from your favorite daughter. Lilly”

             ------------- 

Lilly’s Dad’s reply (also texting)… (Dad has it all together) "My Dear Lilly, Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever! I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay!

L.O.L. Daddy"!"


#2369

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location.
The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!”

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs…

“YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!”


#2370

"We all know those cute little computer symbols called “emoticons,” where:
:slight_smile: means a smile and
:frowning: is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by
:slight_smile:
:frowning:

Well, how about some “ASSICONS?”

Here goes:

(!) a regular ass

(!) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(*) a sore ass

{!} a swishy ass

(o) an ass that’s been around

(x) kiss my ass

(X) leave my ass alone

(zzz) a tired ass

(E=mc2) a smart ass

($) Money coming out of his ass

(?) Dumb Ass"


#2371

Toilet Humor.


#2372

Gates Vs GM

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives,

read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto

industry and stated,

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars

that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics

(and I just love this part):

  1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash… … …Twice a day.

  2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

  3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road,
    close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For
    some reason you would simply accept this.

  4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart,
    in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

  5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to
    drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

  6. The oil., water temperature., and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has
    Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.

  7. The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” beforE deploying.

  8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you
    simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

  9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of
    the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10 . You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.


#2373

"100 MPH Goat

Two North Dakota good ol’ boys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.

The first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole, I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?”

The second hunter says," I don’t know. Let’s throw somethin’ down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, “Hey, there’s an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we’ll throw it in and see.”

So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.

“Say there,” says the farmer, “You fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you ?”

The first hunter says, “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped . . . headfirst into this here hole!!!”

The old farmer said, “Naw, that’s impossible . . . I had him chained to a transmission.”"


#2374

Dear people who type in all lowercase.

We are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Sincerely,

Capital Letters.