Official Joke and Funnies thread (no joke = no post)

vbimport

#2335

Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie?
A: All of Ken’s stuff. :bigsmile::bigsmile::bigsmile::bigsmile::bigsmile:


#2336

[QUOTE=alan1476;2748868]Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie?
A: All of Ken’s stuff. :bigsmile::bigsmile::bigsmile::bigsmile::bigsmile:[/QUOTE]
As you said, all Ken’s stuff. :eek::eek:

(Also available as novelty earrings.)



#2337


#2338


#2339


And for the rest of them: http://distractify.com/olivia-brindley/make-you-feel-really-smart-or-really-dumb/?ts_pid=2


#2340

Irish Drinker

    I found myself in a pub in County Cork.
     
    A group of American tourists came in.
    One of the Americans said, in a loud voice :
    "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. 
    I bet 5,000 euros that no one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
    The bar was silent; the American noticed one Irishman leaving.
    No one took up the bet.
     
    Forty minutes later the Irishman who had left earlier returned, and said, 
    "Hey Yank, is your bet still on?"
     
    "Sure" said the American, "Thirty pints in 30 minutes for a bet of 5,000 euros."
     
    "Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
     
    It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
     
    "OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.
     
    "I'm happy to pay, here's your money." said the American.
     
    "But tell me, when I first offered the bet I saw you leave.
    Where did you go?'
     
    The Irishman replied:
    "Well sir, 5,000 euros is a lot of money to a man like
    me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."

#2341

[QUOTE=marloyd;2750961]Irish Drinker

    I found myself in a pub in County Cork.

    A group of American tourists came in.
    One of the Americans said, in a loud voice :
    "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. 
    I bet 5,000 euros that no one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
    The bar was silent; the American noticed one Irishman leaving.
    No one took up the bet.

    Forty minutes later the Irishman who had left earlier returned, and said, 
    "Hey Yank, is your bet still on?"

    "Sure" said the American, "Thirty pints in 30 minutes for a bet of 5,000 euros."

    "Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."

    It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

    "OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.

    "I'm happy to pay, here's your money." said the American.

    "But tell me, when I first offered the bet I saw you leave.
    Where did you go?'

    The Irishman replied:
    "Well sir, 5,000 euros is a lot of money to a man like
    me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."[/QUOTE]

:clap::clap::bigsmile:


#2342

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple’s house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daught…er-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.
“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.
“Love dress? But you’re naked!”
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy.“
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“This is my love dress,” she replied.
“Needs ironing,” he says” “What’s for dinner?”


#2343

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left
her, hoping she would be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast,
and sat her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways
in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt
over to her other side, the nurses rushed back and once more brought
her back upright.
This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to
her new home.“So mum, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”
“It’s pretty nice,” she replied.
“Except they won’t let me fart.”


#2344

^ LOL

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found
shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like
most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris ,
Over the past six months, your husband
has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour
and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints
against your husband, Mr.
Harris , are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras:

  1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms
    and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in
    Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
  3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato
    juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
    4… July 19: Walked up to an employee
    and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares.
    Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned
    station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor which in turn resulted
    with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the
    company money.
  4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk
    and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-by.
    6… August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET
    FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
  5. August 15: Set up a tent in the
    camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they
    would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty
    children obliged.
  6. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
    screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
    9… September 4: Looked right into the
    security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
  7. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
    the clerk where the antidepressants were…
    11… October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming
    the ’ Mission Impossible’
    theme.
  8. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack
    and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
    13 October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed
    the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
  9. Took a box of condoms to the
    checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
    And last, but not least:
  10. October 23: Went into a fitting room , shut the door, waited awhile, and
    then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’

#2345



#2346

[B]The Power of Hypnosis.[/B]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.”

"No more headaches?“
The husband asks, ''What happened?”

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat “I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache…”

It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, “Well, that is wonderful.”

His wife then says, “You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?”

The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”

He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, “Boy, that was wonderful!”

The husband says, “Don’t move! I will be right back.” He goes back into the bathroom, Comes back and round two was even better than The First time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don’t move, I’ll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
“She’s not my Wife.
She’s Not my wife.
She’s not my wife…”

His funeral service will be held on Friday


#2347

Here is a guy who really takes good care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs 5 miles a day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun-tanned all over, except for his private Parts, and decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand, except for his private Parts sticking out.

Two little ladies are strolling along the beach, and one looks down and says:

“There really is no justice in this world.”

The other little old lady asks “What do you mean?” ‘The first little old lady replies “Look at that . .

When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it. When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it. When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it. When I was 40 years old, I asked for it. When I was 50 years old, I paid for it. When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it. When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it. And now that I am 80 years old, the damn things are growing wild!


#2348

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.” “That’s nothing,” said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’


#2349

The Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ‘tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”

Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ‘tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation.”

Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said,
“What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be quite ill.”


Lost at Sea

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.

While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!”

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going, Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat!


#2350

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. “Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”


#2351

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah didn’t go to heaven ?'
The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.


#2352

Bee Sting

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, “Why back in so early? What’s wrong?”

“I was stung by a bee.”

“Where?” he asked.

“Between the first and second hole,” she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, “Then your stance is too wide.”


#2353

here you go


#2354

There were three American Indian women. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

(groan) Moar? http://hendrix2.uoregon.edu/~dlivelyb/phys101/jokes.html