Official Joke and Funnies thread (no joke = no post)

vbimport

#2314

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

‘I’d like to be eight again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

‘I meant my dress size, you f@#! retard!!!’

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

S


#2315

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. King David
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together. Sasha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Anonymous
The great question, which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?” Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Sigmund Freud
’Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.’ Red Skelton
’There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.’ Sam Kinison
’I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.’ James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming. 1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you’re right, shut up. Patrick Murray
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it… once Nash
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’ Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): ‘My wife’s an angel!’ Second Guy:You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’ Anonymous
SEND THIS TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH.
AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR

With the Ladies on this forum I think I will use my Anonymous name

THOR21344 (Now no one knows me)


#2316

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth & a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job. I don’t like taking advantage of the System, getting something for nothing.”
The social worker behind the counter said “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2015 Mercedes-Benz CL & he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her 20′s and has a strong sex drive.

The guy, wide-eyed, said, “Are you shittin’ me???”

The social worker said, “Yeah, . . . but you started it.”


#2317

We can’t be serious all the time.

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…’’ Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.


#2318

BAD Parrot
> >
> > A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot
> > had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
> > Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and
> > laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
> > change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite
> > words, playing soft music and anything else he could
> > think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.
> > Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The
> > parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
> > parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation,
> > threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
> >
> >
> > For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
> > Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for
> > over a minute.
> > Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the
> > door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
> > onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have
> > offended you with my rude language and
> > actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
> > transgressions and I fully intend to do
> > everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
> > John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.
> > As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
> > dramatic change in his behavior,
> > The bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”


#2319



#2320

[QUOTE=marloyd;2741335]BAD Parrot
> >
> > A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot
> > had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
> > Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and
> > laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
> > change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite
> > words, playing soft music and anything else he could
> > think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.
> > Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The
> > parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
> > parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation,
> > threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
> >
> >
> > For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
> > Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for
> > over a minute.
> > Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the
> > door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
> > onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have
> > offended you with my rude language and
> > actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
> > transgressions and I fully intend to do
> > everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
> > John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.
> > As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
> > dramatic change in his behavior,
> > The bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”[/QUOTE]
That was a good one! Thank you! :bow:


#2321

>
> The Bridge
>
> A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said,
>
> ‘Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.’
>
> The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.
>
> 'God replied, ‘Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
>
> I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.’
>
> The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
>
> God replied:
>
> “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”


#2322

Tales of IT Part 1 and Part 2.


#2323

Woman walks into a cocktail bar and asks for a double entendre…

So the barman gave her one.


#2324

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in
Greece, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge
that since she had brought the children into this world,
she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge
asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair
and replied: "Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending
machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to
me or to the machine?"
DON’T LAUGH… HE WON!!!


#2325

The Will

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
· My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
· My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
· My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
· "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.

Sarah replies, “Property ? … the asshole had a paper route!”


#2326

[QUOTE=Ibex;2743772]Woman walks into a cocktail bar and asks for a double entendre…

So the barman gave her one.[/QUOTE]
Her friend like the look of it and says she wants the same.

The barman says: “You’ll have to give me at least 20 minutes I’m afraid, all I can manage at the moment is a bit of smutty innuendo”.


#2328

Six Truths in Life 1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility.2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it. 3. And discover #1 is a lie.4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot. 5. You soon will forward this to another idiot. 6. There is still a stupid smile on your face. I sincerely apologize about this but I’m an idiot and I needed company. You now have 2 options…delete it, or send it along to put a smile on someone’s face today.


#2329

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Brian” Passenger: “Who?” Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.” Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.” Cabbie: "There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: “Wow. Some guy then.” Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?” Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Brian. He died.
I’m married to his bloody widow.”


#2330

:o



#2331

The Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s
morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people’s business. Several
members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared
her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Elmer, a new member, of
being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the
town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Elmer (and
several others) that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what
he was doing!
Elmer, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned
and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny… he said
nothing.
Later that evening, Elmer quietly parked his pickup in front of
Mildred’s house… walked home… and left it there all night.
You gotta love Elmer.


#2332

: Meaningful quotes…

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL.“
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” Camille Paglia
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.” Sharon Stone

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
Billy Crystal

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.” Robert De Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, 'I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked !” Jerry Seinfeld

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” Robin Williams

“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.” Joan Rivers

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy. Steve Martin

You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life. Elmo Phillips

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

" It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns


#2333



#2334