Official Joke and Funnies thread (no joke = no post)

vbimport

#2294

The Golden Urinal

President Obama went over to see Bill and Hillary Clinton for dinner at their spacious home.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked his host if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Bill Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished to see That Clinton had a gold urinal! Wow!

The next day, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal in Clinton’s private lavatory. “Just think,’ he said, 'maybe I should get a gold urinal too. But on the other hand I think that it may be just a bit too self-indulgent… even for a guy like me!”

Later in the week, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed her husband had been at his discovering that Bill had a gold urinal in his private bathroom.

Later that day, when Bill got home, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:

“I found out who pissed in your saxophone.”


#2295

I hope it is not too off color

Here is a guy who really takes good care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs 5 miles a day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun-tanned all over, except for his ps, and decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand, except for his p*s sticking out.

Two little ladies are strolling along the beach, and one looks down and says:

“There really is no justice in this world.”

The other little old lady asks “What do you mean?” ‘The first little old lady replies “Look at that . .

When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it. When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it. When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it. When I was 40 years old, I asked for it. When I was 50 years old, I paid for it. When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it. When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it. And now that I am 80 years old, the damn things are growing wild!


#2296

>
> Subject: Fwd: Fw: My Travel Plans for 2014
>
>
>
> -------
>
>>
>> *As you know I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots.
>> Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
>>
>> I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
>>
>> I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to
>> be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends,
>> family and work.
>>
>> I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not
>> too much on physical activity anymore.
>>
>> I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to
>> visit there too often.
>>
>> I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand
>> firm.
>>
>> Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting
>> older.
>>
>> One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the
>> adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the
>> stimuli I can get!
>>
>> I have not been in Continent, and I don’t remember what country it is
>> in; it’s an age thing. They tell me it is very damp there most of the
>> time.
>>
>> PLEASE DO YOUR PART…
>> Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the
>> year. You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at
>> least one unstable person. My job is now done!
>>
>> You might want to adopt this rule for your everyday behaviour: ‘Life is
>> short. Smile while you still have your teeth.’
>>
>> From one unstable person to another… I hope everyone is happy
>> in your head - we’re all doing pretty well in mine. ;o)
>>
>>


#2297

FOOD FOR THOUGHT
In 1923, a very important meeting was held at the Edgewater Beach Hotel in Chicago. Attending this meeting were nine of the world’s most successful financiers. Those present were:

The president of the largest independent steel company
The president of the largest utility company
The president of the largest gas company
The greatest wheat speculator
The president of the New York Stock Exchange
A member of the president’s cabinet
The greatest “bear” in Wall Street
Head of the world’s greatest monopoly
President of the Bank of International Settlements

Certainly we must admit that here were gathered a group of the world’s most successful men. At least, men who had found the secret of “making money.”

Twenty-five years later let’s see where these men are:

The president of the greatest utility company Samuel Insull — died a fugitive from justice and penniless in a foreign land.

The president of the largest independent steel company – Charles Schwab — died a bankrupt and lived on borrowed money for five years before his death.

The president of the largest gas company Howard Hopson — is now insane.

The greatest wheat speculator — Arthur Cutton — died abroad, insolvent.

The president of the New York Stock Exchange — Richard Whitney — was recently released from Sing Sing Penitentiary.

The member of the president’s cabinet — Albert Fall — was pardoned from prison so he could die at home.

The greatest “bear” in Wall Street — Jesse Livermore — died a suicide.

The head of the greatest monopoly Ivan Krueger — died a suicide.

The president of the Bank of International Settlement Leon Fraser-- died a suicide.

All of these men learned well the art of making money, but not one of them
LEARNED HOW TO LIVE.

Happiness is contentment.
May you find it, and keep it, always


#2298

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 86-year-old said: “Things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.” “So what do you think about that, Doc?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

“I have an older Redneck friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said: "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied: “My point exactly.”


#2299

Too Small?? http://www.tickld.com/x/20-jokes-so-terrible-theyre-actually-funny-14-is-gold



#2300

Well in keeping with the thread

Chain Letter For women Only

This letter was started by a women like your self in the hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discontented women. Unlike most chain letters this one does not cost anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five (5) of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle your husband or Boy friend up and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 16,877 men! One of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better then the one you already have.

DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN********

One women broke the chain and got her own S.O.B. back.

At this writing a friend of mine had already received 185 men. They buried her yesterday, But it took three Undertakers 36 hours to get the smile off her face, and two days to get her legs together so they could close the coffin

KEEP THE FAITH******

Bella Abzug
Eleanor Rosevelt
Gloria Steinam
BroomHilda

But the last 20 wasssssssssssss ssssssssssssssssso Bad but good

Marty


#2301

Four elderly ladies came into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.
They were a bit exhausted. The pro asked, “Did you ladies have a good game
today?”

The first lady said, “Oh, I had three riders today.”

The second lady said, “I had the most riders ever. I had five.”

The third lady said, “I did about the same. I had 7 riders, the same as
last time.”

The last lady said, “I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today. Aren’t
you proud of me?”

After they went into the ladies locker room, another golfer who had
overheard the ladies went to the pro and said, “I have been playing golf
for 40 years and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what
the heck is a rider?”

The pro said, “A rider occurs when you hit the ball far enough to get in
the golf cart and ride to it.”


#2302

[B]These are genuine clips from British Council tenants, complaining to the
Council about problems with their homes…[/B]

[B]1.[/B] My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it…
[B]
2.[/B] He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t
take it anymore…

[B]3.[/B] It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow…

[B]4.[/B] I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at
6am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me…
[B]
5.[/B] I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night…

[B]6[/B]. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my
fence…

[B]7.[/B] Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
wife…
[B]
8. [/B]My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand…?

[B]9.[/B] I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the
wall…

[B]10.[/B] Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped
and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant…

[B]11.[/B] I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen…

[B]12.[/B] 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain
filthy…

[B]13. [/B]I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers…

[B]14.[/B] The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is
cleared…

[B]15[/B]. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour &
not fit to drink…

[B]16.[/B] I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off…

[B]17.[/B] The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous…

[B]18.[/B] Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third
so please send someone round to do something about it…

[B]19.[/B] I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put
his foot in the hole in his back passage…

[B]20.[/B] I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off…


#2303

good one’s Di—funny


#2304

Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, “I think we’re in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?”

This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, “I’ve got an idea. We’ll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours.”

The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, “Oh no, I can’t tell whose puppy is whose. They’ve pulled the ribbons off while they were playing.”

“OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart,” says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars.

Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, “Oh no, I can’t tell whose puppy is whose. They’ve pulled their collars off while they were playing.”

“There’s got to be some way to tell them apart,” says the second blonde.

After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, “I know! Why don’t you take the black one and I’ll take the white one!”

Sorry I forgot to tell a joke on this thread ^above


#2305

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…“duh”…bottles won’t fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited…finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…box said “2-4 years!”

April - Trapped on escalator for hours…power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid…8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing…couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition…learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm…car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is “C”…isn’t it???

October - Hate M & M’s…they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days…instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn’t call 911…“duh”…there’s no “eleven” button on the phone!!!


#2306

[QUOTE=diane7;2737441]Four elderly ladies came into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.
They were a bit exhausted. The pro asked, “Did you ladies have a good game
today?”

The first lady said, “Oh, I had three riders today.”

The second lady said, “I had the most riders ever. I had five.”

The third lady said, “I did about the same. I had 7 riders, the same as
last time.”

The last lady said, “I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today. Aren’t
you proud of me?”

After they went into the ladies locker room, another golfer who had
overheard the ladies went to the pro and said, “I have been playing golf
for 40 years and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what
the heck is a rider?”

The pro said, “A rider occurs when you hit the ball far enough to get in
the golf cart and ride to it.”[/QUOTE]

[B]This is for Kerry[/B]

[B]Thought of him when I saw it[/B] :flower::stuck_out_tongue:


#2307

> This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
> blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid So, she
> decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
>
> While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
> paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
> husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
>
> Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
> paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
> floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
> parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
> her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she
> replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
> dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house…
>
> He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
> replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
> said…
> “FOR BEST RESULTS,
> PUT ON TWO COATS.”


#2308

This one may bring a little tear to your eyes …

Only a golfer would understand this story of a GOLFER AT THE DENTIST.

A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office. The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already… I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”

The dentist thought to himself… “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.”

So the dentist asks him, “Which tooth is it sir?”

The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth Honey, and show him!”


#2309

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Chicago’s Midway Airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said “Are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, “I didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly.”

The driver replied, “No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years.”


#2310

A Blessing to read!

8 Reasons Not To Mess with Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.

The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah didn’t go to heaven ?’

The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’

The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute…’

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to ‘honour’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?’

Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’

‘Yes,’ the class said.

‘Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’

A little fellow shouted,
‘Cause your feet ain’t empty.’

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 

‘Take only ONE . God is watching.’

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’


#2311

This is a good way to start the day …!!
We all need a good laugh.
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan
tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up
a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,’ said one
boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As
he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me…‘
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and
rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling
along.
Come here quick,’ said the boy, 'you won’t believe what I
heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'
The man said, ‘Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me
to walk.’ When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the
cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me.'
The old man whispered, ‘Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if
we can see the Lord…?
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get
those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done…?
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the
bike passed him.


#2312

LIFE AFTER DEATH
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
“YES, SIR,” THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
“WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE,” THE BOSS WENT ON. “AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER’S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!”

PALM SUNDAY
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. “PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS’ HEAD AS HE WALKED BY.”
“WOULDN’T YOU KNOW IT,” THE BOY FUMED, “THE ONE SUNDAY I DON’T GO, HE SHOWS UP!”

SUPPORT A FAMILY
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, “WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES.”

FIRST TIME USHERS
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, “DON’T PAY FOR ME DADDY I’M UNDER FIVE.”

PRAYERS
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, “NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?” “NO SIR,” HE REPLIED, “WE DON’T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!”

CLIMB THE WALLS
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER’S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. “WHAT TRICK IS THAT?” SHE ASKED.
“I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT,” THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

THE WATER PISTOL
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL… HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I’M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON’T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND REPLIED: “I CERTAINLY DO !!”

GRANDMA’S AGE
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, “AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?”


#2313

Hello – I have questions!

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
Description: Description:cid:002701cee3e2$39e758e0$0100000a@22ndstre1e81d2
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Lipton Tea employees take ‘coffee breaks?’

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you’re broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will ever open from the first end you try?

How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart, then apologizes for doing so; why do we say, “It’s all right”? Well, it isn’t all right so why don’t we say, “That really hurt you dumb sh*t, why don’t you watch where you’re going?”

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

And A FAVORITE:
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends.If they’re OK…? (then it’s you!)
~
REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!
And a day without sunshine is, like…night!!!