Official Joke and Funnies thread (no joke = no post)

vbimport

#2271

Politicians should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers, that way we would know who their corporate sponsors are.


#2272

[B]A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will
cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line
model. The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down one
tree and it took ALL DAY!

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the
farmer says: “What’s that noise?”[/B]


#2273

yahoo format update. ribtickling satire on pointless - the emperor’s new clothes take on CSS?


#2274

A testimony to true friendship is…

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done,
I’m still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! What
the hell did you bring him home for?"

“Because he’s thinking of getting married.”


#2275

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage… and that much misery is enough!” “Dad, what are you talking about?” the son yells. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old dad explained. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!”. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.” She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, “You are not getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, you hear me?” she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay”, he says, “it’s all set. They’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare.”


#2279

A Texas Aggie named Joe is talking to one of his classmates, and mentions that he just bought a new toilet brush, but he has an odd look on his face as he says it.

“So what’s wrong with the toilet brush, Joe?” says the friend.

“Oh nothing, but you know, I think I really prefer toilet paper instead.”


#2280

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the barkeep, “Do you have any squid?”. The barkeep says no, and the penguin walks out.

Next day the penguin walks in again and goes, “Do you have any squid?”. The barkeep, a little annoyed, replies in the negative again.

The following day the penguin walks in yet again and repeats his question. The barkeep loses it and yells, “Damnit we don’t have any squid! If you ask me that again, I’m gonna nail your ass to the wall, so help me God!”. The penguin leaves without a word, and isn’t seen for a few days.

The next time the penguin walks in, he and the barkeep exchange a long stare before the penguin finally breaks the silence.

“Do you have a hammer?”

“No”

“How about nails, you got any?”

“No”

“So do you have any squid?”


#2281

[B]After a delicious dinner and a few drinks the wife leads her husband into the bedroom. [/B]
[B]With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen twenty [/B]
[B]dollars all crumpled up?” [/B]
[B]No," said her husband. [/B]
[B]She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and [/B]
[B]slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled [/B]
[B]out a crumpled twenty dollar bill. [/B]
[B]He took the crumpled twenty from her and smiled approvingly. [/B]
[B]She then asked him, “Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?” [/B]
[B]“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. [/B]
[B]She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into [/B]
[B]her tight, sheer panties… and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill. [/B]
[B]He took the crumpled fifty and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. [/B]
[B]Now," she said, “have you ever seen 50 thousand dollars all crumpled up?” [/B]
[B]Becoming even more aroused and excited he replied to her, “No, and I can’t wait!" [/B]
[B]She replied, “Good - go look in the garage."[/B]


#2282

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he’s smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, “What for?” The sheriff responds, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.” The lawyer says, “I slowed down and no one was coming.” “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration please,” say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.” The sheriff says, “That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle.” The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”


#2283

The city miser was on his death bed, as his last request he asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest. “I know I am going to die” he said ” and I would like to take my money with me, so I am going to give each of you $150,000 and I want you to each make sure the money gets in the coffin.”

It was a few days after the funeral when the priest over flowing with guilt finally confided to the other two that he only put $100,000 back. “I’m glad you brought it up” said the doctor, “because I have also been feeling guilty, I only put $80,000 back.”

“You people should be ashamed of yourselves” stormed the lawyer “stealing money like that, am I the only honest person here? Here look at this” he said pulling out his cheque book, “look I wrote out a cheque for the full $150,000!”


#2284

Subject : The Coors Light Drunk

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue …
Doctor: “What happened?”

Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Coors Light he beats me to a pulp.”

Doctor: “I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Coors Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don’t swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes
to bed in his Coors Light stupor.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Coors Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished,and he didn’t touch me!”

Doctor: “You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?”


#2285

Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake Alberta.
It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over.
Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.
She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab.
Old man Stacey won’t mind."
So Sandra, being the good wife walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.
When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey’s store.
Why didn’t you just give me some money?"
Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn’t want to send you out there with cash when I wasn’t sure how thick the ice was!"
A love story like this almost brings tears to my eyes.


#2286

>
> Subject: The Blonde and the Mirror
>
> Once there was a magical mirror.
> When you told the thruth it gave you things, but if you lie to it, it makes you vanish forever.
>
> One day three college girls went to the mirror.
>
> The red head said “I think I’m the smartest one.”
> Then she got a diploma, scholarship, and got accepted into all the colleges in the world.
>
> The brunette then said “I think I’m the prettiest one.”
> Then she got a Corvette, mansion, a good looking boyfriend , and a lot of money.
>
> Then the blonde said " I think…poof"
> Then she suddenly dissapearred forever


#2287

----- Forwarded Message -----
From: Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in the UP near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero tonite and the North wind is increasing to near gale force. His woman has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare all day. He says that if it gets much worse he may have to let her in…


#2288

http://www.tickld.com/x/20-jokes-that-only-intellectuals-will-understand


#2289

How to lose MASSIVE amounts of weight! We need to figure out a way to market this! Any ideas??? Worth reading to the end- I promise!

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck…

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me you can have me”.

Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

“Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.” “Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.”

The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, you are mine.”

He lost 33 lbs that week.


#2290

Think Outside the Box

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

  1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

  2. An old friend who once saved your life.

  3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think, before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. She simply answered: “I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.”

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to “Think Outside of the Box.”

However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop, then drive off with the old friend for some beers.

God, I just love happy endings.


#2291

A man in a Washington supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he’d ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, ‘Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.’

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, ‘And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.’ The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, ‘I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?’ Canada, sir,’ the boy replied.

‘Well, why did you leave Canada ?’ the manager asked. The boy said, ‘Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.’ Really?’ said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada .‘
No shit?’ replied the boy. ‘Who’d she play for?’


#2292

Two guys are fishing in a boat under a bridge.
One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.
He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.
The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn’t know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, “Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years.”


#2293

A beautiful woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. And the bartender gives it to her.