Official Joke and Funnies thread (no joke = no post)

vbimport

#2251

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”

Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”

They’re knocked over, but continue to ask, “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?”

“I lied about my age”, Bob replies.

“What, did you tell her you were only 50?”

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90.


#2252

Scotsman’s Chilli

A hungry but penniless bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.

He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring
blankly at a bowl of chilli.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke
bravely asks,

“If you aren’t going to eat that, mind if I do?”

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, “Aye,
ye can gae richt aheid.”

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place
and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the
bowl.

The old Jock says, “Aye, that’s as far as I got too.”


#2253

A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours’ farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.
“No, they went to town.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
“I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message.”
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant”.
The boy thought for a moment…
“You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”


#2254

The Fence Repair - Sounds Very Familiar

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at Government House.
One is from Cabramatta, another is from Marrickville, and the third is from Lane Cove.
All three go with an official to examine the fence.
The Cabramatta contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, "I figure the job will run about $900, $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Marrickville contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That’s $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Lane Cove contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn’t even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Lane Cove contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Marrickville to fix the fence.”
“Done!” Replies the government official.
And that, my fellow tax payers, is how a Government Stimulus plan works.


#2255

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an ‘exotic’ pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says:
‘SEX FROGS’

Only $20 each!
Comes with ‘complete’ instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, ‘I’ll TAKE one!’

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, ‘Just follow the instructions!’

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

  1. Take a shower.
  2. Splash on some nice perfume.
  3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
  4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise … . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, ‘If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store.’

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, ‘I’ll be right over.’ Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, ‘See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!’

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares ‘directly into its eyes’ and STERNLY says:
‘LISTEN TO ME!!
I’m only going to show you how to do this
ONE … MORE… TIME!!!’


#2256

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,

‘If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’

With even greater emphasis he said, ‘And if I had All the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, ‘And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’

Sermon complete, he sat down…

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, ‘Shall We Gather at the River.’


#2257

Pay back

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight.
Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down…
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn’t know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.
He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don’tforget to wash her, she stinks.'
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don’t see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband ‘El-Cheap-O’, and my husband calls the vet ‘El-Charge-O’.

They love to hate each other and constantly ‘snipe’ at one another,
with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The GP’s waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,
'Your wife’s pussy doesn’t stink any more.
We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose!
Oh, and, by the way, she’s pregnant!
God only knows who the father is!'
Then he closed the door.
The silence was deafening.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!


#2258

Ole & Sven

Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:

DA END ISS NEAR!

TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW

BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,

"Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge out?'"

#2259

The oatmeal as always is spot on:


#2260

Why do we love children?..

  1. NUDITY
    I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

  2. OPINIONS
    On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

  3. KETCHUP
    A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’

  4. MORE NUDITY
    A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

  5. POLICE # 1
    While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

  6. POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station… As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked. ‘It sure is,’ I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’

  7. ELDERLY
    While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She wasunfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitablebarrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

  8. DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’ ‘And why not, darling?’ ‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

  9. DEATH
    While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and withsonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)

  10. SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

  11. BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. ‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out. ‘What have you got there, dear?’ With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’ NOW IF THIS DIDN’T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT.


#2261

Remarkably, at this campus party, the Aggie got lucky and he met a pretty young lady who agreed to go a motel with him.

They left the party, got in his car and he drove into the night, pulling into the first motel. He told his date, “Wait here, I’ll get a room” and left her with a wink and a giggle.

He walked into the motel office triumphantly, and announced, “Me and my, uh, er, wife, uh, we need a room. For tonight. Me and, uh, my wife…”

The clerk rolled his eyes, “Sure, sure, whatever - fill out the card, and that’s $28 for the honeymoon suite.”

The Aggie looked out in the car, waved a little, grinned sheepishly and then turned back to the clerk, who slid him the registration card.

The Aggie carefully drew a giant “X” on the NAME line, just like he’d done on both of his Texas A&M exams.

He started to slide the card back to the clerk, then he jerked it back and drew a big circle around his ‘X’. Then, leaned forward with a wink, and said, “Uh, I’ve been runnin’ around with a lotta fast women lately, and I don’t want this one to know my real name.”


#2262

,

CLEAN JOKES

    An Airline introduced a special package for Business men.

    Buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free.

    After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.

    All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"


    New SIM to surprise her husband

    Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the Living room.

    She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:

    "Hello Darling."

    The husband responds in a low tone:

    "Let me call you back later Honey, the stupid woman is in the kitchen.

    Cool message by a wife

    Dear Mother-in-law,

    "Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"


    Throwing knives at wife's picture

    Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture.

    All were missing the target!

    Suddenly he received call from her "Hi, what are you doing?"

    His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."


    Habit of talking in sleep

    A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?

    Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.


    NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN

    Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt,

    tsunamis to devastate,

    hurricanes to swirl around

    & no one teaches a man how to choose a wife.

    NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.


    Your husband needs rest

    Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.

    Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?

    Doctor: They are for you!

#2263

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.

Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was
restless at first
because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so
like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and
shine some things. No hogs to slop, no shit to shovel, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to
split, fire to lay.

Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm
water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,
etc. but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant,
pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit
by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds
you til noon when you get fed again.

It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on “route
marches”, which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.
If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route
march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get
sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school
teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors
and colonels just ride around and frown.
They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals
for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a
chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the
Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and
hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they
break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m
about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in
Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me,
but I’m only 5’6" and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

[B][I][U]Your loving daughter, Gail[/U][/I][/B]


#2264

Labor Pain
A married couple rushed to the hospital because the mother was in labor. The doctor asked the couple, “I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pain away from the mother and gives it to the father.” So the married couple decided that they would give it a shot. So the doctor hooked up the machine and put it on 10% of pain transferred from the mother to the father. The husband said “I feel okay. Increase the dosage.” So the doctor turns it up to 50%. The husband says, “Why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing!” But the doctor warns, “That amount could kill you if you are not prepared!” The husband replies, “I am ready.” The doctor turns up the machine to 100%. Still not feeling anything, they went home satisfied with a pain-free labor. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the front porch!


#2265

German Chancellor Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
“Nationality?” asks the French immigration officer.

“German,” she replies.

“Occupation?”

“No, we’re just here for a few days this time.”


#2266

Everybody needs to laugh at least once a day…

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Texas . One day Sid asks Al,
"Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?"
Al replies, “I don’t know, let’s ask our waiter.” When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter says, “I don’t know, Senor, I ask the cook.” He returns to the kitchen. A few minutes later
he returns and says, "No, Senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."
Al isn’t satisfied and asks, “Are you absolutely sure?” The waiter, realizing he is dealing with Gringos, replies,

"I check once again, Senor."
While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered everywhere.”
The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook say there is no Mexican Jews."
Al asks, "Are you certain? I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews."
The exasperated waiter says, "Senor, I ask EVERYONE. All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews and Tomato Jews.”


#2267

TO LIVE A LONG LIFEBill

    A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.


    The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.


    She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

#2268

[B]Irish Maths Test[/B]

An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn’t hire him until he passed a simple maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”
“Without numbers?” The Irishman says, “Dat is easy,” and proceeded to draw three trees.

“What’s this?” the boss asked.

“Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,” said the Irishman.
“Fair enough,” said the boss. "Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. “Ere you go.”

The boss scratched his head and said, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss was getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere you go. One hundred.”

The boss looked at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”

The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, “A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.”
“So, when do I start?”


#2269

[B]Digging Holes:[/B]

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole. The other would come behind him and fill the hole. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn’t believe how hard these men were working, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, “I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!”

The hole digger replied, “Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.”


#2270

What does a Baby Computer call its father?

" DATA":wink: