Official Joke and Funnies thread (no joke = no post)

vbimport

#2231

All food consumed by humans (except salt) was once alive.


#2232

The Miracle of Wine
In the Alcohol Aisle…





#2233

got more


#2234

http://club.myce.com/attachments/f1/251839d1358811139-official-joke-funnies-thread-no-joke-no-post-viewattachmentb.jpg

Bloody right it is.

http://club.myce.com/attachments/f1/251846d1358811324-official-joke-funnies-thread-no-joke-no-post-viewattachmenti.jpg

:smiley:

—

Soviet times, communal apartment.
Somebody started to smear toilet walls with sh*t, so the inhabitants gathered
to find out who is responsible for this.
An old professor was considered to be guilty, because he always washed hands
after the toilet.

—

Dude calls the Parliament:

  • Good morning, I would like to become a member.
  • Are you an idiot?!
  • Yes. Are there any other requirements?

#2235

Here’s a sick joke

Missing Wife Found by LOUISIANA State Troopers

The day after his wife disappeared, a Pierre Part man answered his door to find two grim faced Louisiana State Troopers. “We’re sorry Monsieur Boudreaux, but we have some information about your wife,” said one of the troopers.

“Tell me! Did you find her?” Boudreaux asked.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, the ashen Boudreaux said, “Give me the bad News first.”

The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Bayou Tesch .”

“Oh my God!,” said Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?”

The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, about 100 crawfish, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.”

Stunned, Boudreaux demanded, “If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?”

The trooper smiled and said, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”


#2236

>> WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST
>>
>> She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
>>
>> Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
>>
>> Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
>>
>> Her boyfriend
>> is on the cover of Playgirl.
>>
>> And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
>>
>>
>>
>> Keep reading-they get better!!!
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> WOMEN’S REVENGE
>>
>> ‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
>>
>> As she fumbled for her wallet ,I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
>>
>> ‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.
>>
>> ‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
>>
>> and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’
>>
>>
>>
>> KEEP READING ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
>>
>> (A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)
>>
>> I know I’m not going to understand women.
>>
>> I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
>>
>> pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
>>
>> and still be afraid of a spider.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> LOTS MORE TO ENJOY…KEEP SCROLLING DOWN FOR A WHILE.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> MARRIAGE SEMINAR
>>
>> While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
>>
>> Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
>>
>> ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.’
>>
>> He addressed the man,
>>
>> ‘Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?’
>>
>> Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, 'It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> LOTS MORE TO LAUGH AT…
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
>>
>> A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles…
>>
>> The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
>>
>> He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife…
>>
>> She directs him down the correct aisle.
>>
>> A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
>>
>> She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
>>
>> He answers, 'You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
>>
>> to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
>>
>> and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo- ooo much cheaper.
>>
>> So, I figure if I have to roll my own … so does she.
>>
>> (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> KEEP ON READING .
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> WIFE VS. HUSBAND
>>
>> A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
>>
>> An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
>>
>> neither of them wanted to concede their position.
>>
>> As they
>> passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
>>
>> the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’
>>
>> ‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> MORE AND MORE YET TO ENJOY.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> WORDS
>>
>> A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…
>>
>> 30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
>>
>> The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to
>> repeat everything to men…
>>
>> The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> KEEP ON GOING.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> CREATION
>>
>> A man said to his wife one day, 'I don’t know how you can be
>>
>> so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
>>
>> 'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
>>
>> God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
>>
>> God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> SCROLL DOWN SOME MORE…
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> WHO DOES WHAT
>>
>> A man and his wife were having an argument about who
>>
>> should brew the coffee each morning.
>>
>> The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
>>
>>
>> and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.
>>
>> The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and
>>
>> you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’
>>
>> Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and
>> besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’
>>
>> Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me…’
>>
>> So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ‘HEBREWS’
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> YEP, THERE IS SOME MORE…
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> The Silent Treatment
>>
>> A man and his wife were having some problems at home
>>
>> and were giving each other the silent treatment.
>>
>> Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
>>
>> at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
>>
>> Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
>> ‘Please wake me at 5:00AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it.
>>
>> The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him,
>> when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
>>
>> The paper said, ‘It is 5:00AM. Wake up.’
>>
>> Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
>>
>>
>>
>> KEEP ON SCROLLING DOWN…
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT! THIS IS THE END!!!
>>
>>
>>
>>


#2237

A professional engineer dies and because of some misfiled paperwork, ends up in hell. Trudging through the sweltering heat, eventually he comes across Satan and says, "You know, with a little work, we can probably cool this place off…"
At first, Satan is enraged and prepares to unleash fury on this engineer for his insinuation, but then he thinks, you know, it is a little unseemly hot down here. So he asks the engineer what he would need to cool it down, and before you know it, six weeks later they have a working air conditioning system.
Months later, many improvements have been made. One day, God’s feeling particularly cocky so he calls Satan down in hell and asks, “Hey there, buddy. Hot enough for you?” to which Satan truthfully answers, “Actually, it’s a nice 73 fahrenheit down here. Perfect really… And we’ve almost got escalators installed, making the whole toil thing really a lot easier.” God’s confused, and Satan fills him in on the engineer that got mistakenly sent down there. God is furious.
God: "Well that won’t do, you’ve got to send him back up right away!"
Satan: "Not a chance! This guy is great."
God: "I’ll sue!"
Satan: “Hah! Where are you going to get a lawyer?”


#2238

I Think You’re The Father of One of My Kids…'
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.
She says, 'Hello.'
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you’re the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the
pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ‘No, I’m your son’s teacher.’


#2239

A golfer accidentally overturned his cart. Hearing the crash, a woman who lived on the golf course came out of her house yelled over to him.
Hey, are you okay?"
“A few cuts and bruises,” he said, “but nothing seems broken.”
“Come up to the house and let’s get some bandages,” she said.
“No,” he said. “My wife wouldn’t like that.”
“You’re hurt!” she insisted. "Come in!"
She got some antiseptic and bandages and cleaned him up, but he was in obvious pain.
“Do you want a drink?” she asked.
“I’d love one,” he said, “but my wife would be very unhappy.”
“Nonsense!” she said, pouring a drink. "You’re in obvious pain, and you need
something."
As she tended to him he became aroused and she noticed. She began taking off
her clothes.
“Wait!” he said. “My wife will be furious!”
“Don’t be silly,” she said. "You’ve had a trauma and this will be better
than anesthesia."
Afterwards, he began to dress quickly.
“Where are you running off to?” she asked.
“My wife is going to kill me!” he said.
“She’ll never know anything happened,” said the woman. “Where is she,anyway?”

“Under the golf cart,” he said.


#2240

Dinner at an old friends home

> An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
> While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.
>
> The elderly lady hung her head, ‘I have to tell you the truth,’ she said, ‘his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old fart what his name is.’
>


#2241

ACTUAL CALLS RECEIVED AT A PUBLIC GOLF COURSE

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday…
What’s the weather going to be like that day?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I’m running late. Can you still get me out early?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that’s not it.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I’d like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o’clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o’clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We’ll try to squeeze you in.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o’clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What’s the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We’ll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: How much to play golf today?
Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller: 38 dollars?
Staff: No, 38 yen.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don’t think any of those times will work for me.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we’re all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff: Sure, what time would you like?
Caller: Something between 9 o’clock and 10 o’clock. In the morning, if possible.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they’re 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he’s on the 15th hole.
How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it’s 15 dollars after 2 o’clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I’d like some info about your golf course.
Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
Caller: I don’t know, that’s why I called.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range.
Would you like to buy them back?


#2242

>
> A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying:
>
> “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.”
> The father asked, “Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?” The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the right thing to do.” The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
>
> A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers,which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.” The next day the grandmother died. “Holy Moley, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.”
>
> Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:“God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.” He almost went into shock.
> He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day and risking a car accident, he stayed there,drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
>
> Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home safely his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?” He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
>
> She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!”


#2243

A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times . . .

    Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
    The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
    For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I 'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

    The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn 't realise that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
    The driver replied, "No, no, I 'm the one who is sorry, it 's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I 've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

#2244

[B]Writer:[/B]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.


#2245

What deep thinkers men are…

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I
have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “it might be nice to have another child.”

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”

I rest my case.

Time for another beer.


#2246

[B]British humor, Is Great![/B]
Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50 a minute (charges may vary).

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.


#2247

Q: Why did Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she could moan with the other.

:doh:


#2248

The Winter Boots

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing,
the little boots still didn’t want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, ‘Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.’

She looked, and sure enough, they were. Unfortunately, it wasn’t any easier
pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as they worked to get the boots back on,
this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, ‘These aren’t my boots.’

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn’t you say so?'
like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots
off his little feet. No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

'They’re my brother’s boots. My mom made me wear ‘em today.’

Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and
courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, ‘Now, where are your mittens?’

He said, 'I stuffed ‘em in the toes of my boots.’

The teacher will be eligible for parole in three years.


#2249

>
> Subject: Tiny Cabin
>
>
>
> THE TINY CABIN
>
>
> A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred
>
> to the mountains of West Virginia and was on the first tour of her new
>
> territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in
>
> her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.
>
>
> “Anybody home?” she asked.
>
>
> “Yep,” came a kid’s voice through the door.
>
>
> “Is your father there?” asked the social worker.
>
>
> “Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,” said the kid.
>
>
> “Well, is your mother there?” persisted the social worker.
>
>
> “Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,” said the kid.
>
>
> “But,” protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will
>
> need to intervene in this situation) “are you never together as a
>
> family?”
>
>
> “Sure, but not here,” said the kid through the door. “This is the outhouse!”
>
>
>


#2250

“Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”

"And the best of the day to yourself. This is Father O’Malley

at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There’s a jackass lying dead

in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple

o’yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and

recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a

little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father,

it was always my impression that you people took care of the

last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment…

Father O’Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true;

but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first,

which is the reason for me call."