Official Joke and Funnies thread (no joke = no post)

vbimport

#2210

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’

Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’

They are knocked over, but continue to ask.‘So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’

‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies.

‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’

Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’


#2211

[QUOTE=diane7;2668058][B]I was racking my brain to where i found this :bigsmile:

ok we have a dedicated youtube channel :flower:
[/B]

[B]The importance of an occupation after retirement
[/B]
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to “make a
difference” in the world.

It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable
achievements of other “seniors” who have found the courage to take on
challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:

"I’ve often been asked, ‘What do you do now that you’re retired?’

Well…I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of
the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine.
It’s rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling.
I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold is an inspiration to us all.[/QUOTE]

Thanks Diane I’ve bookmarked it.

A woman has sued her local hospital saying that after
treating her husband recently he has lost all interest in sex.



A hospital spokesman replied – “The man was admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight...”

#2212

AHHH Christmas Time



#2213

I think this could happen



#2214

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift…

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’

‘No,’ she answered. I then said,

‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes…’

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started…


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s when the fight started…


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, “Do you know him?”

“Yes”, she sighed,

“He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?”

And then the fight started…


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer… Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, “What’s on TV?”

I said, “Dust.”

And then the fight started…


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is
terrible.”

My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds.”

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started…


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’

And then the fight started…


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.’

I replied, “Your eyesight’s darn near perfect.”

And then the fight started…



#2216

Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said “Louieville” and the other “Louiseville.” They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, “Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly.” The waitress goes, “Bur-ger-King.”


#2217

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign… “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”


#2218

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.

The little boy says '‘It’s dark in here’'
The man replies '‘Yes, it is’'
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That’s nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad’s outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - “$250”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like
that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don’t start that crap again!’’


#2219

Holiday wisdom
A word to the wise…

I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about
drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to
have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social
session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening
with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something
I’ve never done before ~ I took a cab home.

Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home
safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven
a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that
it’s in my garage.


#2220

WHAT IF THE HOKEY POKEY IS WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT

A WISH TO LIVE FOREVER

I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.

Immediately I said, “I want to live forever.”

“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant eternal life.”

“OK,” I said, “Then, I want to die after Congress gets its head out of
its ass!”

“You crafty bastard,” said the fairy.


#2221

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we are married I think it’s time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

“Ex wife!”, she screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”

”I wasn’t “


#2222

How children perceive their Grandparents…

    1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

    2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

    3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

    4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
    The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

    5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

    6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
    "What's it about?" he asked.
    "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

    7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

    8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

    9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

    10.. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said.. "How do you make babies?"
    "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

    11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
    "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

    12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
    "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
    "No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
    A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

    13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

    14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

    15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

#2223

Recently a woman was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
>
> Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
>
>
>
>
>
> This is how it manifests:
>
> I decide to water my flower tubs.
>
> As I turn on the hose I look over at my car and decide it needs
> washing.
>
> I go to get the car keys from the porch and then notice mail on the
> porch table.
>
> I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
>
> I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the bin
> under the
> table, and notice that the bin is full.
>
> So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
> rubbish
> first.
>
> But then I think, I can run down to the post-box when I take out the
> rubbish, I may as well pay the
> bills first.
>
> I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only
> 1 cheque
> left.
>
> My extra cheques are in the computer desk, so I go inside the
> house to
> my desk where I find the can of Coke I’d been drinking.
>
> I’m going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke
> aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
>
>
> The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the fridge
> to keep
> it cold.
>
> As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
> window ledge catches my eye - they need water.
>
> I put the Coke on the window ledge and discover my reading
> glasses that
> I’ve been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my
> computer desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.
>
> I set the glasses back down on the window ledge, fill a
> container with
> water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen
> table.
>
> I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking
> for the
> remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide
> to put
> it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I’ll water the
> flowers.
>
> I pour some water in the flowers, but some spills on the floor.
> So, I
> set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
>
> Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was
> planning to do.
>
> At the end of the day:
>
> - The tubs aren’t watered;
>
> - The car isn’t washed;
>
> - The bills aren’t paid;
>
> - There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the window ledge;
>
> - The flowers don’t have enough water;
>
> - There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book;
>
> - I can’t find the remote;
>
> - I can’t find my glasses;
>
> - I have absolutely NO idea what I did with the car keys.
>
> Then, when I try to work out why nothing got done today, I’m really
> baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I’m really tired.
>
> I realise this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some
> help for
> it, but first I’ll check my e-mail.
>
> Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I
> don’t remember who I’ve sent it to.
>
> Don’t laugh – if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!


#2224

Games
A customer comes into a computer store. "I’m looking for a mystery adventure game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging."
After a while the clerk replied, “Have you tried Windows [S]2000[/S] [B]8[/B]?”:rolleyes:


#2225

-Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’


#2226

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married:

The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT” he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted


#2227

This pretty much explains itself. SL

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.

She turned to me and asked, ‘Are you having it catered’?

And that, my friend, is the definition of ‘OLD’!

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
‘How old was your husband?’
‘98,’ she replied: ‘Two years older than me’
‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.
She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?’

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
‘And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?’ the reporter asked.
She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

I’ve sure gotten old!
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I’m half blind,
can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver’s license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor’s permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour… But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed.
‘Why Wal-Mart?’
‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week’

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It’s scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
‘For fast relief.’

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.


#2228

Gift:
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist’s son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner’s daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner’s son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
“Is it wine?” she guessed.“No,” the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne?" “No,” said the little boy… “It’s a puppy!”


#2229

LEROY of DETROIT

In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, “Anyone with 'special needs” who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a “blue streak” for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”

Leroy answered, " I don’t know. It ain’t 'til Thursday."


#2230

Marriage
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”
“Sixteen,” the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. “How do you know that?”
“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”