Official Joke and Funnies thread (no joke = no post)

vbimport

#2189

Yo-

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, “I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.” The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.

A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, “Did you have a good trip, dear?” The man replies, “Yep, the fishing was great… but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.” His wife smiles and says, “Oh, no I didn’t… I put them in your tackle box!”


#2190

BRITISH HUMOUR

    These are classified ads, which were actually
    placed in U.K. Newspapers:
     
    FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
    8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
    ___________________________________________
     
    FREE PUPPIES
    1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
    Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
    Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
     
    _______________________________________________________
    COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
    Also 1 gay bull for sale.
     
    ________________________________________________________
    JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
    Must sell washer and dryer £100. _____________________________________________________________
    WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
    Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. ___________________________________________________________
    And the WINNER is...
     
    FOR SALE BY OWNER.
    Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica,
    45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or
    best offer. No longer needed, got married,
    wife knows everything. (Statement of the Century) ___________________________________________________________
    Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--
    Billy Connolly.
    "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How
    come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?" ____________________________________________________________
    Children Are Quick
    TEACHER: Why are you late?
    STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
    ____________________________________
     
    TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
    JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
    __________________________________________
     
    TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
    GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
    TEACHER: No, that's wrong
    GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
    (I Love this child)
    ____________________________________________
    TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
    DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
    TEACHER: What are you talking about?
    DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
    __________________________________
     
    TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today
    that we didn't have ten years ago.
    WINNIE: Me!
    __________________________________________

    TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
    GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
    _______________________________________

    TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I.
    MILLIE: I is..
    TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
    MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
    ________________________________

    TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down
    his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie,
    do you know why his father didn't punish him?
    LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
    ______________________________________
    TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly
    the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
    CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid!!!)
    ___________________________________
     
    TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on
    talking when people are no longer interested?
    HAROLD: A teacher

#2191

Subject: A little Southern Humor.

Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my earrings.”

Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying … "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I’d rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y’all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what’s with the flowers?"
The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”

Tennessee
A TennesseeState trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.”
“Yep,” he replied. "That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, 'cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’ "


Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘about the South, but y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ an’movin’


#2192

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

Months passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Sarah Palin.

That evening, the man brought Sarah to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - again, perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get ‘those feelings’ again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Sarah and told her he hadn’t had sex for months.
Sarah batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, ‘Could you take the dog for a walk!’


#2193

DRIVING LESSONS

Blonde female bought herself a new Mercedes. She can drive the car during the day
but at night the car won’t move at all. She tries driving the car at night for a week but still no luck.
Furious, she calls the dealership, tells them the problem and they send a mechanic to the house.
The mechanic gives the car a thorough inspection and can’t find anything wrong. Eventually,
he asks the Blonde, " Are you sure you’re using the right gears?" “Of course I am. I’m not stupid.
I use “D” during the day and “N” at night!”. . You Really Can’t Make This Stuff Up!


#2194

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get
off work and go hunting, so he
approached his assistant. ‘Ole, I am goin’ huntin’ tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.’

            'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

            The doctor goes hunting and returns 

        the following day and asks: 'So, Ole,
        How was your day?'

        Ole told him that he took care of 

    three patients. 'The first one had a
    headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

    'Bravo, mate, and the second one?'
    asks the doctor.
    'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

    'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the Doctor.

    'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
    Like a flame, she undresses herself,
    taking off everything including
    her panties and lies
    down on the table and shouts:
    HELP ME - I haven't
    seen a man in over two years!!'

    'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole,
    what did you do?' asks the doctor.
    J
    'I put drops in her eyes!!
    
    Y'all thought I was sending a dirty joke didn't you.

#2195

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 Euros.

“You’ve done very well so far,” said Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter,
“but for a million euros you’ve only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?”

“Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!”

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
“I haven’t got a clue.” said Mick,
’'So I’ll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin …"

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.

“Fookin hell, Mick!” cried Paddy.
“Dat’s simple it’s a cuckoo.”
“Are you sure?”

“I’m fookin sure.”

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
“I’ll go with cuckoo as my answer.”
“Is that your final answer?” asked Chris.

“Dat it is.”

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
“Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million euros!”

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

“Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know
it was DA Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?”

“Because he lives in a Fookin clock!”


#2196

Never give too much information to a child…
What Is Couple Sex? All you Grandpas and Grandmas, this is too funny not to forward. We are all reaching that stage where we need to keep the wax out of our ears and keep the hearing aids tuned up. Enjoy!

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she’s old enough to know to ask the question, then she’s old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"
The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.


#2197

The Nurse
"Of course I won’t laugh," said the nurse. “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.” “Okay then,” said Fred, a big man almost 60 years old, as he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest ‘man thingy’ the nurse had ever seen. It’s length and width, it couldn’t have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, and then fell to the floor laughing. Five minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. “I am so sorry,” she said. “I don’t know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?” “It’s swollen,” Fred replied. She ran out of the room.


#2198

> This happened a while ago
> in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an
> Alfred Hitchcock story, it’s true.
>
> John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
> hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. No cars
> were traveling that night. The storm was so strong he could hardly see
> a few feet ahead of him.
>
> Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. John,
> desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car
> and closed the door… only to realize there was nobody behind the
> wheel and the engine wasn’t on!!
>
> The car started moving slowly… John looked at the road ahead and saw a
> curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life…
>
> Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the
> window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as
> the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or
> harmed him.
>
> Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road.
> So, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub.
>
> Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody
> about the horrible experience he had just had.
>
> A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying
> and…wasn’t drunk.
>
> Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked
> in from the stormy
> night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
>
> Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said
> to the other…
>
> ‘Look Paddy…there’s that freakin’ idiot that got in the car while we
> were pushin’ it.


#2199

UNCLASSIFIED
Grins and Snickers

I was in the ‘Six Item Express’ lane at the supermarket, quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So - which six items would you like to buy?”

Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
“Young man, we’re both 90 years old,” the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would “hate” to have to make a living under the laws they’ve passed.

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom, the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

Women and cats will do as they please; and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”

Artie said, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”

Eugene commented, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.”

Al said, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’”

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, “In a minute.”

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”
“Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, “Give me one last request, dear,” he said.
“Of course, John,” his wife said softly.
“Six months after I die,” he said, “I want you to marry Bob…”
“But I thought you hated Bob,” she said.
With his last breath John said, “I do!”

A man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What’s wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me,what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours… You want my advice?
The man said, “Yes;” and the Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”


#2200

A wise man once said…

“A fat woman came in (to the shoe store), and said she was a size 5. I shoved her hoof into a shoe, my thumb got stuck into the back of the shoe. She panicked, reared up, and galloped around the store, dragging me on the floor behind her. Thank god a stick of butter popped out of her purse, I was able to grease my way out of there.”

-PS: I mean no insult to larger people, man or woman. More than I can say about Al, though.


#2201

Peppermint Taste

Freddie went to the local bank to borrow some money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill , who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing. Freddie complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow. The Banker suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

Next week, the Banker returned to see if the vet had helped. Freddie really looked very pleased. “The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor’s cows! He’s been breeding just about everything in sight. He’s like a machine!”

“Wow,” said The Banker , “what did the vet do to that bull?”

“Just gave him some pills,” replied Freddie.

“What kind of pills?” asked The Banker.

“I don’t know, but they got a peppermint taste.”


#2202

One day, while going to work, I passed by a retirement village. On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way.

On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her:

“Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?”

“Yes,” she said, "aren’t they darlings?” “They’re retired prostitutes …they’re having a yard sale. "


#2204

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.’ The
question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven
advantages. However, he wrote:

  1. It is perfect formula for the child.
  2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
  3. It is always the right temperature.
  4. It is inexpensive.
  5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
  6. It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before
the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

  1. It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the
    ground where the cat can’t get it.

                      He got an A.


#2205

Just Thinking

Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question:

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child.

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”

I rest my case.


#2206

I LOVE THE AGING PROCESS,
HOW ABOUT YOU ?

IT TEACHES YOU TO LAUGH AT YOURSELF.

SO DON’T FORGET TO PASS

THIS ON TO ALL THOSE “SENIORS”
WHO YOU LOVE AND RESPECT…I DID!
,.,_






#2207

got to post these to






#2208

[B]The best marriage proposal ever[/B]


#2209

[QUOTE=sandman55;2667585][B]The best marriage proposal ever[/B]

[B]I was racking my brain to where i found this :bigsmile:

ok we have a dedicated youtube channel :flower:
[/B]

[B]The importance of an occupation after retirement
[/B]
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to “make a
difference” in the world.

It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable
achievements of other “seniors” who have found the courage to take on
challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:

"I’ve often been asked, ‘What do you do now that you’re retired?’

Well…I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of
the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine.
It’s rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling.
I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold is an inspiration to us all.