Official Joke and Funnies thread (no joke = no post)

vbimport

#2168

Redneck college exam

Questions and Answers




#2169

Physical
Maurice an 82 year-old man went to the doctor for his physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later do doctor spoke to Maurice and said, “You’re really dong great, aren’t you?”
Maurice replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, “I did not say that. I said, “You got a heart murmur. Be careful.”


#2170

~Happiness is living by inner purpose, not by outer pressures~

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. “THAT WAS MY PAGER,” SHE SAID.
“I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.”

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, “THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.”

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID…“WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT…I’M GETTING A FAX!!”

When you stop laughing, send this to those

Who will appreciate it. Gotta love the old gals!!!


#2171

Yo-

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He said, ‘I’m going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.’ She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones.'
She replied, ‘You mean it shows that, too?’


#2172

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather,
who was working in the yard and asked him,
"Grampa, what is couple sex?"
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask
such a question, but decided that if she’s old enough
to know to ask the question, then she’s old enough
to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave
nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about
human reproduction and the joys and
responsibilities of intercourse.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was
looking at him with her mouth hanging open,
eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather
asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"
The little girl replied, "Grandma says that
dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.


#2173

Well said!
New Standard Operating Procedures released today please learn
BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

#2175

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly looses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent. The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them. Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door. The pilots screams at him, “Didn’t you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!”.
“Of course I heard you”, the man replied, “but it’s also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!”


#2176

Las Vegas

Oh... Oh...
 
                     

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 55th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas . When they entered the MGM Hotel/Casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to Room 217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swinging her hips provocatively.

                                         


George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

Even George was taken aback. "$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"

George said, "Let's forget it.
We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails,
Bambi came up behind George,
pointed slyly at Harriet, and said,
"See what you get for $25 bucks?"

#2177

Hi All,

There was a bit of confusion at the grocery store this morning. When I was
ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, “Strip down facing me.”

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security
running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and blaring alarms finally subsided, I found out
that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!


#2178

You’re An EXTREME Redneck When…

  1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2… The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

  1. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

  2. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night…

  3. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

  4. Someone in your family died right after saying ‘Hey, guys, watch this’.

  5. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

  6. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

  7. Your junior prom offered day care.

  8. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are ‘Gentlemen, start your engines’.

  9. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

  10. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

  11. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

  12. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

  13. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

  14. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

  15. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.


#2179

[B]Q: Why don’t Vampires attack lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy to other bloodsuckers.[/B] :iagree:


#2180

An optimist thinks the glass is half-full.

A pessimist thinks the glass is half-empty.

An accountant questions why the container is twice as large as need to be.


#2181

And suddenly… it makes sense…


#2182

A balding, white haired man from Naples , Florida , walked into a jewelry store this past
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said ‘There’s no money in that account.’

‘I know,’ said the old man,

'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
See…Not All Seniors Are Senile


#2183

LARRY MAY BECOME MY NEW FAVORITE!!!

        A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

        

        Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

        

        The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

        

        Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

        

        Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

        
        If this brightened your day

#2184

Yo-

A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won’t look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor’s cows! “Wow,” says his friend, “what did the vet do to that bull?” “Just gave him some pills’” said the farmer. “What kind of pills?” asked his friend. “I don’t know, but they sort of taste like peppermint.”


#2185

SCOTTISH COW

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Scotland .
It was absolutely wonderful,
producing lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

     They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,

so they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried,
the cow would move away from the bull,
and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to
the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and
ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,

“Did you, by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?”

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Scotland .

“You are truly a wise Vet,” they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

"My wife is from Scotland "


#2186

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter.
They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday.
His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile…somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral.
He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you’re surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.
I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!


#2187

Yo-

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal… When he enters a roomeveryone says ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic man then says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well…?”

She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24” waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh My God.”


#2188

Yo-

A guy was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as the guy burst into tears.
“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying.”
“This is the worst day of my life,” he says. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me.” “So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! … But enough about me, how’s your day going?”