Official Joke and Funnies thread (no joke = no post)

vbimport

#2146

[INDENT][B]Drinking & Driving[/B]

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before: I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

[/INDENT]


#2147

IF A MAN YELLS " YOU LIE " IN A ROOM FULL OF POLITICANS HOW DO THEY KNOW WHO HE’S TALKING TO?


#2148

Living Will
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will.”
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on a machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.


#2149

Overworked…
For a couple years, I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes.


#2150

My doctor told me I could have sex at 79

well…

I got excided the address accross the street is 72 I could walk there.


#2151

Yo-

A salesman is driving toward home in northern Ontario when he sees an Indian thumbing for a ride on the side of the road. As the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Indian gets in. After a bit of small talk, the Indian notices a brown bag on the front seat. “What’s in bag?”, the Indian asks the driver. The driver says, "It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Indian is silent for a moment then says, “Good trade.”


#2152

Old Gomer

Old Gomer died in a house fire and was burned pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body so his two friends Bubba and Billy Bob went down to try and I.D. the body.
Bubba went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet and Bubba said "Yep, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him on over."
So the mortician rolled him over and Bubba looked at his @$$ and said "Naw, that ain’t Old Gomer!"
The morticain didn’t say any thing but thought that was kind of strange.
Then he brought in Billy Bob to I.D. the body and Billy Bob looked at him and said "Yep, he sure is burnt really bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Billy Bob looked down at his @$$ and said "Nope. That sure ain’t Old Gomer!"
The mortician said "How can you tell?"
Billy Bob said “Well Old Gomer had two @$$holes.”
“What? he had two @$$holes?” said the mortician.
"Yep, everyone in town knew he had two @$$holes. Every time the three of us went to town everyone would say “Here comes Old Gomer with them two @$$holes!”


#2153

Barbershops
Two barbershops were in red-hot competition. One put up a sign advertising haircuts for $7. His competitor put up one that read, “We repair $7 hair cuts.”


#2154

Here’s something you might
like Zap:bigsmile:


#2155

Here’s
something you might like. If you have
seen the comercial you will get the joke.
Zap:bigsmile:


#2156

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa, Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie


#2157

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.
He became very depressed because he had loved to play golf and couldn’t play anymore.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.
He got into an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge…
…looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.
He looked closer and saw that this man didn’t have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with.
There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy?"
The man said, “I’m NOT happy!”
.
.
.
.
.
[B] “My balls are itchy!” [/B]

:eek:


#2158

Here’s
Some good ones by Gilbert
Gottfried.
Enjoy Zap


#2159

[QUOTE=zap em;2635133]Here’s
Some good ones by Gilbert
Gottfried.
Enjoy Zaphttp://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=OyN7ChsEhgA[/QUOTE]

Hey zap you got to leave a gap between your name and the web site.

joke- After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, ‘Well, then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!’

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ‘Well, little lady, why don’t you go give it a try?’

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.

Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration……

Sonofabitch!! THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT, TOO!’


#2160


Sorry guy’s here he is Gilbert Gottfried
Zap:bigsmile:


#2162

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.“Please describe,” said his attorney, “the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife’s infidelity.”

“Well, I’m pretty much on the road all week,” the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I’m attentive to the wife.

" One Sunday morning," he continued, “we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, ‘Can’t you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?’”

:eek:


#2163

I was in a Mexican restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my expulsions with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my lunch and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

:stuck_out_tongue:


#2165

An Aussie walks into a bar, obviously upset and carrying a gun.

“Who the hell had sex with my wife?” he yells.

A voice from the back of the room calls out…“You haven’t got enough bullets mate!”


#2166

A small passenger plane was approaching the Redmond area but it had lost its radio and some navigation equipment. The plane was otherwise quite flyable and the pilot simply needed to know his current location to manually plot a course to the airport. He happened to notice that he was near a tall building with open windows on the upper floors where people were working. So he got close to the windows and yelled “Where am I?”" Someone in the building yelled back “You’re in a plane!” The pilot immediately changed his direction and headed to the local airport with no difficulties and landed the plane safely without a hitch. The grateful passengers asked him “How on earth did you know where you were from that terrible answer you got?” The pilot said “I knew I had to be at the Microsoft campus because I asked a question and got an answer that while factually correct was completely irrelevant to the problem at hand. I knew where the airport was in relation to the campus so it was easy to get to it at that point.”


#2167

Yo-

(This [B][I]SO[/I][/B] reminds me of our good friend [B][I]Deano[/I][/B]-eh!!)

So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for ‘Viagra’. The guy asks for a large dose of the strongest variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much. The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription.
Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks ‘why, is your dick in that much pain?’, ‘no’, says the guy, ‘it’s for my wrists - the girls never showed up!’