Official Joke and Funnies thread (no joke = no post)

vbimport

#1

Hey all,

As with most people, I can really appreciate a good sense of humour. Probably in the ‘Quest for the longest thread’ many jokes etc can be found, but I wanted to have one special thread in which only jokes and funnies are to be posted (funnies include one-liners, funny pics (please link only, to save our poor 56K modem users), Flash games etc).

Good stuff wil be used by me to please my colleagues in the weekly mail I send around the office (often referred to as Friday Funnies (to start the weekend with a smile) or Monday Funnies (to comfort people that the week has again started)).

Below I will post one I recently received by mail. Please only post jokes and funnies, comments are only allowed if they are accompanied with new funnies/jokes… (no exceptions).

Have fun!

The Rules Of Bedroom Golf

[ol]
[li]Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
[/li]> [li]Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole.
[/li]> [li]Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
[/li]> [li]For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.
[/li]> [li]Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole
[/li]> [li]The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
[/li]> [li]It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.
[/li]> [li]Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
[/li]> [li]Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection
[/li]> [li]Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
[/li]> [li]Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
[/li]> [li]The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
[/li]> [li]Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine
[/li]> [li]Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners request.
[/li]> [li]It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match…
[/li]> [/ol]


#2

I work for an aerospace company. I got the following in by e-mail:

Aircraft Maintenance Write-Ups and Corrective Action Taken

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QUANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.
By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

NOTE:
P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and
S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
S: Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engine airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

:bigsmile: :slight_smile: :stuck_out_tongue:


#3

This blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, “I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe.” The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies “But I don’t have any money… and I must get a message to her, it’s urgent!.. I’ll do anything to get a message to her.” The clerk replies “Anything?”. “Yes… ANYTHING!” replies the blonde. He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him. “Unzip me…” She does. “Take it out… go
ahead.” She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says “Well… go ahead… do it…” She brings her lips close to it and shouts “Hello?.. Mom?”

Nothing personal Domi :bigsmile:


#4

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask
the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he
accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he
does, his elbow goes into her breast.They are both startled and he says,
“Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,I know you’ll forgive
me.”

She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow,…
I’m in room 1221.” :bow:

XXXXX

There were three young priests about to take their final vows. The last test that they had to pass was the CELIBACY test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis.
A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest…
“Ting-a-ling”
The chief priest said “Oh, Patrick, I’m disappointed,you’ve failed. Go and have a shower.”
The belly dancer had stripped as far as her last veil for the second guy before the chief priest heard…
“Ting-a-ling”
“Joseph, I’m very disappointed. You can’t resist the temptation of a woman. Go for a shower.”

  The belly dancer started dancing totally naked now around the last priest. She did everything erotic she could think of...but no bell rang! 
  "John, I'm delighted.   You've passed!   You can resist the temptation of women. Now, go relax and take a shower with Patrick and Joseph".... 
  "Ting-a-ling" 

:rolleyes:


#5

For your company… (pun intended) :wink:

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a
string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

  After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result

all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another
monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

  Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and

replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the
stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After
another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be
assaulted

  Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one.

The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part
in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a
new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the
stairs, he is attacked.

  Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest

monkey.

 After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever

been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the
stairs to try for the banana.

WHY NOT?
Because as far as they know that’s the way it’s always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.


#6

True story Airhead…true so true…

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks. “How will I recognize him?”
“That’s easy. He’s a midget with a speech impediment”.
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse.
“A female horth.”
So he shows him a prized filly.
“Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?”
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over.
“Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?”
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.
“Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?”
The rancher is gettin’ pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.
“Nice mouf, can I see her twat?”
Mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
“Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit”?

The everlasting battle between the French and the British:

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Welshman are out walking the beach one day when they come across a lantern. One of them picks it up and out pops a genie. “I’ll grant you one wish each” says the genie.
The Welshman says, “I’m a farmer, my dad was a farmer and my son will also farm the land. My wish is that the land in will remain fertile forever in Wales.” “Done,” said the genie.
The genie turned to the Frenchman. “Well, I would like a wall around France to stop all unwanted people coming into my precious country.” “OK” says the genie, "It’s done.
The genie then looks at the Englishman. “I’m curious, says the Englishman, please tell me more about this wall.”
“Well,” says the genie. "It’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out.
“I see, says the Englishman, very interesting.”
“So then, what’s your wish?” says the genie.
The Englishman replies, “Fill it with water.”

For all you lovers of good beer:

Lost at Sea, two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer! The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick and after a long, tension filled moment, he spoke. “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

(had a good haunt on the internet for funnies just now)

Good links:
http://joked.com/content/2003/Aug2003/02/
or
http://joked.com/content/2003/Jul2003/28/
(you can catch how the links work now)


#7

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.
The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says:
“I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

The husband says, “WHAT??” The wife explains that he must
not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen
tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the
husband takes her shopping at a big department store.

He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.
She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.
Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set
of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband
has flipped out, but she does not care.

She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says,
“But you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then
let’s get it.” The wife is jumping up and down so excited she
cannot even believe what is going on. She says
“I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register.”

The husband says, “No - no - no, honey we’re not going to
buy all this stuff.” The wife’s face goes blank. “No honey - I
just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.” Her face gets really
mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says
“You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man.”
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A few reasons why the English language is hard to learn:

  1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
  2. The farm was used to produce produce.
  3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
  4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
  5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
  6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
  7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
    present the present.
  8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
  9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
  10. I did not object to the object.
  11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
  12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
  13. They were too close to the door to close it.
  14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
  15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
  16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
  17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
  18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
  19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
  20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
  21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Da TAx-
1-am curious …did ya manage to remove my reply on this thread about 10 hrs back…or did i post it sumwhere else when i was drunk
2-can i post funny pictures…??


#8

The Elves and the Shoemaker.

…The next morning when he went into his shop to make the shoes, what did he find!

Yes, there were two pairs of shoes already made.

The work was so well done that those shoes were also sold very quickly.

With the money the poor shoemaker bought enough leather for four pairs of shoes.

Those he also cut out and left upon his bench.

The next morning he found four pairs of beautiful shoes, all well made.

And so it went on and on.

Instead of being a very poor shoemaker, be became a very rich shoemaker.

His shoes were so well made that even the queen herself wore them.

At last the shoemaker said to his wife, “We must find out who makes the shoes.”

So one bright moonlit night they hid behind a curtain, where they could watch the bench and not be seen.

Just on the stroke of midnight, two little elves jumped through the window.

They went skipping and dancing up to the bench.

Sitting cross-legged they took up the leather and began to work.

How their needles flew back and forth, back and forth!

How their little hammers beat rap-a-tap-tap, rap-a-tap-tap!

Almost before the shoemaker and his wife could think, the work was all done.

The tiny elves ran about, skipping and dancing, skipping and dancing.

Then, whisk! Quick as a wink, they were gone.

The next morning the good shoemaker had an idea.

He set up a series of cages underneath the windows, rigged with a tripwire to close the lid shut.

Later that night, the tiny elves snuck into the window, and fell smack into the open cage.

“Snap!” went the lid as it closed tight on the cage.

The tiny elves started panicking frantically about.

“Get us out of here!” they cried, “help!”

“Do not be afraid little ones,” said the shoemaker, “I won’t hurt you.”

“I have a deal to offer you,” he said.

The shoemaker went about explaining his proposition to the elves.

Soon after, more elves joined the shoemaker, and they were all clothed, fed, and given shelter.

The tiny elves went on to make hundreds and hundreds of shoes in the years to come, while the shoemaker made more money than he could ever imagine…

…And they all lived happily ever after.

The End.

(Original statement given by Phillip Knight, CEO of Nike Inc, regarding his lawsuit accusing his company of hiring Guatemalan children in labor camps to make running shoes.)


#9

Two poor pigs

The Wolf had followed him home.

“I think I’ll come in there and gobble you up.” Cried the Wolf from outside. “If you open up I promise it’ll be quick.”

He knew himself safe with the Wolf locked out. That fact put steel in his backbone.

"Let you in?” he asked incredulously through the door. “Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin.”

The Wolf with horrible laughter in his voice replied “Then I’ll just have to huff and puff and break the door in.”

The door began to rattle on its hinges in an ever increasing violence. The boards creaked and moaned that they would soon give up against the Wolf’s furious assault. The piggy could only think of escape. He ran to the back of the house and threw open the rear window and jumped out just as the front door exploded in a shower of splinters like so much straw in the wind. The piggy ran and ran and ran. Thinking only that his brother would know what to do, his big brother would save him.

There was a knock at the door. The two brothers jumped as if stung. Knowing what waited on the other side the brothers held each other silently and hoped the Big Bad Wolf would go away if they stayed quiet. The knock came again more insistent this time.

“I know you’re in there piggy piggy. Have you got a friend with you? I hope so, chasing after you has made me doubly hungry and two little pigs would go down very nicely right now.”

“Don’t worry brother I’ve just had my new security system put in. The door has been reinforced and the wolf can’t get in.”

“Will you let me in? If not I’ll have to eat you very slowly indeed.”

“Stupid Wolf” yelled the second piggy “you can’t get in; on this I’ll bet the hair on my chinny chin chin.”

“Is that what you think?”

Just then the pigs heard a great huff and puff and the door rattled on its hinges but held fast.

“Hmm strong door…” there was silence then and the piggys breathed a sigh of relief. Until they heard another great huff and puff, this one unmistakably the sound of a great diesel engine. The piggys knew just that the game was up and they had to run lest they be eaten by the Wolf. So out the back door they went just as a great resounding crash announced that the Wolf had smashed through the front of the house in an eighteen wheeler. The door and the whole front of the house was reduced to sticks of a size that ever after would only be good for kindling.

They ran and ran and ran. The Wolf’s eighteen wheeler was dogging their heels. Knowing their only hope lay with their big brother. The agoraphobic whose home was a veritable fortress. Their breath came hot in grunts and gasps but they couldn’t slow. The Wolf came after running his truck at a leisurely pace, smiling his awful fanged smile, knowing that those piggys were doomed.

At last the big brother’s house came into view with nary a window or opening besides the small steel door.

“Big brother” they cried “let us in or we will surely die, the Wolf is after us.”

The door stayed closed. They were left pounding for their lives hoping it would open and save them. The Wolf, who had stopped, revved his engine once, twice, a third and final time. Then the truck was in gear, barreling down on the helpless piggys. They turned then and saw this, clutched at each other and waited for death with tears in their eyes.

The Wolf waited until the last moment then flung himself from the cab. He watched as the pigs were crushed between the house and the truck. One thing the pigs had been right about; if they had made it inside they would have been safe. Although the truck was destroyed the house was barely scratched. The Wolf reached into his pocket and brought out a cell phone.

“It’s done.” Two simple words.

And from the phone “Good, you’ll get the rest of your money when I get the insurance checks.”

“Can I ask why?”

“It doesn’t matter anymore, so I suppose so. Because they were always so happy wanting to run and play and frolic in the big wide world. They forgot all about me their own big bother who took such care of them when they were young. They didn’t even come to visit me anymore.”

“I see. I’ll say this, they came for a visit today, they surely did.”


#10

Jack

“I can’t believe it! I simply CAN NOT BELIEVE IT!”

Her voice alarmed some pigeons living in the thatch roof of their 2-room hut. Jack looked at his feet.

“You traded a cow…A milk-giving cow…for…for…”

“Magic beans, Mom! You really have to see them, they’re really cool looking! The guy said that all I would need to do was put them in the ground and voom! Magic!”

“VOOM?” Jack’s mother cried with disbelief. “You GAVE our cow away because someone went ‘Voom!’ at you?!?”

“Well,” Jack began, a little hurt that his mother didn’t seem to be very enthusiastic over his recent bean purchase, “that’s the thing Ma! You had to SEE him say Voom! He was like…whoosh! Kapow! Zing! Lots of lights and stuff! Voom!”

“Voom…” his mother said, seemingly in a trance. Tears started welling up in her eyes.

“Yeah Ma, trust me! This will solve all our problems! The guy said so…really, it’ll be ok!”

Jack’s mother allowed her shoulders to slump, and a defeated look crossed her features. She exhaled slowly, and paused for a moment before speaking.

“I’m going to bed. You can’t be hungry when you sleep. Can’t be.” She stole one last sad look at her son, still standing there with a confused look on his face, before she finally left the room. She closed the curtains between rooms, and the muted sound of sobbing was heard soon after.

“She’ll see, I’ll plant these beans and then…well, whatever. I don’t know, but I DO know that this will end all of our problems! I just know it!” Jack said excitedly. He rushed out to the garden, planted all three beans, covered them lightly with topsoil, and applied water. Once that was done, he too returned to the house in order to sleep, confident that tomorrow would bring new adventure and end all of the strife he and his mother shared.

“Man, this is gonna be great!”
He just knew it.

~ The Next Morning ~

Jack woke up with a yawn and a stretch, rolling his shoulders and neck a little to help lessen the pain of his stiff aching muscles. Sleeping with no pillow and a small scrap of blanket his entire life, Jack was used to pain as part of his morning routine.

Suddenly, Jack remembered about the beans!

“Holy cow,” he marveled, glancing at the sun shining through the threadbare window onto the floor, “I can’t believe I slept in! Today of all days! The beanstalk has got to be completely grown by now, and reaching all the way up to the clouds! Just like that guy said! Now I’ll be able to go up into the clouds, outsmart a giant with a golden something-or-other, grab a bunch of food and stuff, leave, and all of our problems are over! Mom will be so happy!” Jack bounded outside towards the garden, face alight with hope.

He stood frozen in his tracks once he reached the edge of the garden.

There was nothing. Nothing had grown.

Not even a sprout. Jack could still see the fingerprint he had left the night when his hand had carefully patted down the soil over one of the beans.

Nothing. No beanstalk, no great pillar of nature to climb up, no adventure, no castle, no golden whatcha-ma-call-it. No giant.

No treasure.

No food.

Jack could only stand and stare at first. Then, as comprehension dawned, his face darkened with an expression of utter hatred.

“Jack? Is that you? Are you up?” came his mother’s voice from their hut. “Listen, Jack…I want you to tell me where you saw that man you sold the cow to yesterday. I would like to perhaps talk to him, explain things a little.” She didn’t sound too optimistic. “Maybe he would understand our situation…”

Jack stared off towards the city, about five miles away with the sun at his back. His lip curled.

“You know Ma, I was thinking the exact same thing. Let me go find him, I wanna explain things a little too.”

“Would you? I’m afraid I’m a little tired, and I’m not sure how far I’d be able to go. I might not even make it to town…”

“Not a problem Ma. I’ll see you in a few hours. Just chill, and stay off your feet.”

Jack pulled his Beretta 9mm out of his waistband and checked the clip. Sliding it back into the gun handle with a ‘snick’, he held it up pointed it towards the horizon, looking down the sights with one eye closed shut.

It was time to teach someone a lesson…

“Let’s see you ‘Voom’ with a bullet in your gut, Mister Wizard…” Jack Soprano said quietly.


#11

>These are things people actually said in court, word
>for word, taken down and now published by court
>reporters.

>______________________________________________
>Judge: “Well, Sir, I have_ reviewed this case and I’ve
>decided to give your wife $775 a week.”
>
>Husband: “That’s fair, your honor. I’ll try to send
>her a few bucks myself.”


>Q: What is your date of birth?
>A: July fifteenth.
>Q: What year?
>A: Every_ year

>___________________________________________
>Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
>A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

>_____________________________________________
>Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
>at all?
>A: Yes.
>Q:_ And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>A: I forget.
>Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something
>you’ve forgotten?


>Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
>A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember
>which.
>Q: How long has he lived with you?
>A: Forty-five years.

>_____________________________________________
>Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
>when he woke up that morning?
>A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
>Q: And why did that upset you?
>A: My name is Susan.

>______________________________________________
>Q: And where was the location of the accident?
>A: Approximately milepost 499.
>Q: And where is milepost 499?
>A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

>______________________________________________
>Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
>A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

>______________________________________________
>Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
>A: After the accident?
>Q: Before the accident.
>A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school
>for it.

>______________________________________________
>Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your
>red and blue lights flashing?
>A: Yes.
>Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of
>her car?
>A: Yes, sir.
>Q: What did she say?
>A:_ What disco am I at?

>_______________________________________________
>Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies
>in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next
>morning?
>A: Would you repeat that question, please?

>_____________________________________________
>Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?

>_______________________________________________
>Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

>_______________________________________________
>Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August
>8th?
>A: Yes.
>Q: And what were you doing at that time?
>A: I resent that question.

>_______________________________________________
>Q: She had three children, right?
>A: Yes.
>Q: How many were boys?
>A:_ None.
>Q: Were there any girls?

>_______________________________________________
>Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
>A: Yes.
>Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

>______________________________________________
>Q:_ How was your first marriage terminated?
>A: By death.
>Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

>_______________________________________________
>Q: Can you describe the individual?
>A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>Q:_ Was this a male or a female?

>_______________________________________________
>Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I
>sent to your attorney?
>A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

>_______________________________________________
>Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
>dead people?
>A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

>_______________________________________________
>Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
>A: OK.
>Q: What school did you go to?
>A: Oral.

>______________________________________________
>Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
>A:_ No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
>was doing an autopsy on him.

>______________________________________________
>Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

>_______________________________________________
>Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
>check for pulse?
>A: No.
>Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
>A: No.
>Q: Did you check for breathing?
>A: No.
>Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
>when you began the autopsy?
>A: No.
>Q:_ How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>Q: But could the patient have still been alive
>nevertheless?
>A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
>and practicing law somewhere.

The stories of Mr Belvedere don’t make much sense to me though…


#12

Here’s a (small) joke (and not so funny…):

Where is little Annie after the explosion? Everywhere.

Yeah, I know, I just wasn’t in the mood to right down a good joke. :slight_smile:


#13

25
24
23
22
21 (yes , they’re all movies … check them at imdb.com !)
20 (Million) Miles from earth
K-19
Nearly 18
17
16 Candles
15 Minutes
14 Carrot Rabbit
13 Ghosts
12 Angry Men
11 Harrowhouse
10 Little Indians
9 (and a 1/2) Weeks
8 Legged Freaks
Se7en
6 Degrees of Seperation
5 Easy Pieces
4 Weddings & A Funeral
3 Muskeeters
2 Days in the Valley
The One
Zero
Minus One


#14

Some guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender :
A Johnnie Walker please.

The bartender gives him the whiskey , the guy grabs it , drinks a bit , looks at the bartender angrily and says :

THIS AINT JIM BEAM !!!


#15

Well I thought it was funny (pic is only 12k…no worries) taken from

213783647 reasons why water is the shittiest thing on this planet, besides shit.

  1. Hippos live in water. They kill so many humans its not able to be comprehendable. By anybody. Thats right its not. 85% of all humans are killed by hippos at some point in their life. Don’t believe me? Take a look at this graph.

#16

Does Santa Really Exist?

  1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer that only Santa has ever seen.

  2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15 percent of the total – 378 million, according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

  3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75 1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, and etc. This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

  4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull 10 times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the boat, not the figurehead).

  5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft reentering the Earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion: If Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping one night.
As they lay down Holmes said, “Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson said, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes, “And what does that tell you?”
Watson, “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me
that God is great and that we are insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes, “Somebody stole our tent.”


There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought “This should impress him!”

He showed his son the machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. This machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.

The prudish son, unimpressed, said “Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?”

The father, furious, thought and said, “Yes son, we call it your mother.”


#17

Visiting the zoo one day, a lady noticed one of the
>kangaroos had a huge set of balls. She couldn’t
>believe the size of these hammers, and when the 'roo
>ventured close to the bars of the enclosure, she
>reached thru the bars and gave his cods a squeeze. The
>animal, startled, jumped clear over the fence and
>bounded away down the path.
>
>A keeper saw the critter fading out of sight, and
>running up to the woman, said “What did you do to that
>kangaroo?”
>
>“I just gave his nuts a tweak to see if they were
>real!”, she wailed.
>
>“Well,” he said, dropping his pants, “you’d better
>tweak mine as well, 'cause I have to catch that
>sucker!”

>====================

>Paul, a guy on the local beach just couldn’t make it
>with any of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard
tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.
>
>“Dude, it’s obvious,” says the lifeguard, “you’re
>wearing them baggy old
>swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer.
>They’re years outta
>style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of
>Spandex Speedos - about
>two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato
>down inside 'em. I’m tellin
>ya man…you’ll have all the babes ya want!”
>
>The following weekend, Paul hits the beach with his
>spanking new tight
>Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and it’s worse than
>before. Everybody
>on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering
>their faces, turning
>away, laughing, looking sick! So Paul goes back to the
>lifeguard again and
>asks him, “What’s wrong now?”
>
>“JAHEESUS!” says the lifeguard, “The potato goes in
>front!”


#18

LOL at potato :slight_smile:

Difference between men and women:

  1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

  2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

  3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.

  4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

  5. There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman- before and after marriage.

  6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

  7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

  8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

  9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

  10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.


#19

lol:D
now

>Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend Marie out for a
>pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day, and love
>is in the air.
>Marie leans over to Pierre and says, `Pierre, kiss me!’ Pierre grabs a

bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips. What are you doing, >Pierre?' >asks the startled Marie.I am Pierre, the fighter pilot. When I have red
meat, I have red wine.’ She smiles, and they start kissing.
Things begin to heat up a little, and Marie says, Pierre, kiss me lower.' >Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it >on >her breasts.Pierre, What are you doing now?’ asks the bewildered Marie.
I am Pierre, the fighter pilot. When I have white meat, I have white >wine.' >She giggles, and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really >steam up. Marie leans close to Pierre's ear and whispers,Pierre, kiss me
much lower!’ Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and
pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the Cognac on
fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie
throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, PIERRE, WHAT IN THE >HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?' >Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,I am Pierre, the fighter pilot,
>If I go down, I go down in flames!’

xxxxxxxxxxx
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist
>if he sells size extra large condoms.
>
>He replies, “Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?”
>
>She responds, “No sir, but do you mind if I wait
>around here until someone does?.”


#20

[Off-topic]
Some people have missed this ‘rule’ of this thread:

Below I will post one I recently received by mail. Please only post jokes and funnies, comments are only allowed if they are accompanied with new funnies/jokes… (no exceptions).

You can comment to previous jokes, but you have to post a joke or funny in that same post…posts that fail this rule will (and have been) removed…(yes, I am tough in this :wink: )
[/Off-topic]
So, now I have to live up to my own rule:

A Lovely Wedding

Below is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson
University.

This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the
reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long
distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank
the bride’s and groom’s families for coming and to thank his new
father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.

To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he
wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped to the bottom
of everyone’s chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He
said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex
with the bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a
private detective trail them weeks prior to the wedding.)

After he stood there and watched the people’s reactions for a couple of
minutes, he turned to the best man and said “Fuck you”, he turned to the
bride and said “Fuck you”, and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and
said “I’m out of here.” He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday
morning.

While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after
finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if
nothing was wrong. His revenge:

  1. Making the bride’s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and
    reception.
  2. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen.
  3. And best of all, trashing the bride’s and best man’s reputations in front
    of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents,
    brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.
    This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world, we just live
    in it.

(thanks to NJ)