Ok, ok, I know it's not really a news headline...but it should be!
(feel free to move it if so inclined)
SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT - GOVERNMENTIUM
A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the
heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named
Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy
neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass
311. These 311 particles are held together by forces called morons,
which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4
to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay,
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since
each re-organisation will cause more morons to become neutrons,
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an
element which radiates just as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many
peons but twice as many morons.