Man vs Woman jokeoff

vbimport

#1

The battle of the sexes, man from Mars vs women from Venus, feminists vs male chauvinist pigs, sticks vs holes, innies vs outties, Ladies vs Gentlemen…this is your chance!

The rules of this game are simple:

[ul][li]Post your funny tale, picture, quote in this thread
[/li][li]The content of your post must relate to the battle of the sexes
[/li][li]The more the merrier
[/li][li]It is a game, it is not meant to be offensive, hurtful or disrespectful
[/li][li]You don’t have to post anything related to your own sex[/ul]
[/li]

And of course I’ll start with a quote I was forwarded by a (female) colleague:

Scientists have finally discovered what’s wrong with the male brain:
On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left…


#2

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


#3

Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.

Women: Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot the “i” with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in the “p” and “g”. It is a pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note.


#4

[U]A Women’s Guide To Male English[/U]

– What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

– I’m hungry = I’m hungry

– I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy

– I’m tired = I’m tired

– What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this.

– Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before

– Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!

– I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!

[U]A Man’s Guide To Female English[/U]

– We need to talk = I need to complain

– Sure… go ahead = I don’t want you to

– I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

– We need = I want

– It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

– Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later

– I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

– You’re … so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

– You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

– I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’ve got my period

– Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

– I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…

– I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

– Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

– I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

– Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive

– How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like

– I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

– Is my bum fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful

– You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

– Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you’re dead.]

– Yes = No

– No = No

– Maybe = No

– I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry

– This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

– Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it

– Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

– All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?


#5

Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.

~

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them :bigsmile:

~

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don’t know, it never happened :eek:

~

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them

~

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise an egg?
A: They don’t stop to ask for directions.

~

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A widow

~

Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: They already have boyfriends.

:bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile:


#6

Just to even the balance a bit after my last post :flower:

Q. Why haven’t they sent any women to the moon?
A. Because it doesn’t need cleaning yet.

~

Any married man can forget his past mistakes, there’s no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.

~

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

~

Women never have anything to wear. Don’t question the racks of clothes in the closet; you ‘just don’t understand’.

~

Women need to cry. And they won’t do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

~

If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he’ll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she’ll pack 21 outfits because she doesn’t know what she’ll feel like wearing each day.

~

The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don’t hear men say, ‘Oh-my-GOD, there’s another man wearing a black tux, get me out of here!’

~

Q: Why don’t women need watches?
A: Duh!! There’s a clock on the stove.

:bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile:


#7



#8

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that store music in women’s breast implants. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

groan :rolleyes:


#9

Warum gibt es mehr Frauen als Männer?
Weil es mehr zu putzen gibt als zu denken.

:iagree:


#10

Säger du det?Har du någonsin sett Leif Loket Ohlsson i förkläde?


#11

Leif Lokett Ohlssen sounds like the sort of man likely to wear ladies thongs mate!


#12

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea


#13

How many men does it take to open a beer? None – It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say Something smart?
When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”

How do you fix a woman’s watch? You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course, He’ll shut up once you let him in.

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won’t do what she’s told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault My wife asked me, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!”

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested, Then God created Man and rested, Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, “I haven’t eaten anything for days.” She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: “That happens in every country, son.”

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
"Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are beautiful.


#14

ROTFL :bigsmile:

[OT] Everytime I see the title of this thread on the thread index, I keep thinking it said “Man vs Woman Naked” :eek: [/OT]


#15

Everytime I see the title of this thread on the thread index, I keep thinking it said "Man vs Woman Naked"
we guys couldn’t win that one for sure


#16

Really? Haven’t we already won by being in that nekkid situation in the first place?! :bigsmile:

damn I promised myself to keep out of this thread because I think the whole gender war thing is ridiculous, but I got sucked in because of my pervy imagination! :doh: :o


#17

Really? Haven’t we already won by being in that nekkid situation in the first place?!
not if it was just a competition :o


#18

ROFLMAO! :bigsmile: :bigsmile:
That was quite funny…

As a reward you get some non-gender specific, off topic, but still really awful, jokes :clap:

Red-Neck computer terms:
Log On: Makin’ the wood stove hotter.

Log Off: Don’t add no wood.

Monitor: Keepin’ an eye on the wood stove.

Download: Gettin’ the firewood off the pickup.

Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin’.

Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin’ too much firewood.

Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.

Hard Drive: Getting’ home in the winter season.

Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.

Windows: What to shut when it’s below 15 below.

Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.

Byte: That’s what the flies do.

Chip: What to munch on.

Micro Chip: What’s left in the bottom of the bag.

Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred’s around.

Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.

Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix’s wife.

Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.

Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.

Software: Them plastic eatin’ utensils.

Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.

Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.

Port: Fancy wine.

Enter: C’mon in.

Random Access Memory: You can’t remember whatcha’ paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.


#19

Prof., those are brilliant! Gotta love computer-related jokes :bigsmile: :bow:

And yes, Drage always lets his pervy side win in the end :bigsmile:


#20

:iagree: