Hahaha, sorry, but you gotta admit, it is funny.
Let's try to get you outa the doghouse.
The menu listings should be the in the same order. I have a 5th gen Ipod, 30 GB...keep your fingers crossed.
Main menu as you turn it on:
6 entries populated >
click on #5...it should be Settings
Next, in Settings... there are 17 entries populated.
Scroll to the 3rd from the bottom, this is
English is the top.
BTW, the last entry in Settings (#17 if my count was correct) should be Reset All Settings if the above fails.
Hope this helps