[QUOTE=Nick.C;2222058]Violence, or even the threat of it, changes everything. Having kids fundamentally complicates matters with respect to possible outcomes.[/QUOTE]
Now that I’m sobering up (I only make posts like this when I’m drunk), I’m kind of embarrassed about it (I kind of wish that threads like this from em would just disappear), but since I have already embarrassed myself and further made myself look stupid by admitting I was drunk when I posted (and am now sobering up and realizing what I did), I might as well ask for help, because it is a real problem.
I’ll site one instance because it is the worst I can remember (but its typical behavior for her). When we only had one child, she dropped him on his head. She started screaming like her arms and legs were cut off. I of course rushed in to see what was wrong. I picked up the baby and tried to access if he was really hurt bad. She started screaming, give me my baby (I can understand maternal instinct, but she was out of control). I said calm down and I’ll give him to you but she just got more out of control. I kept my back to her to protect the baby and kept trying to walk away from her, but she lost it more and more. She finally started throwing punches at me, and wound up punching the baby in the face (hit him in the side of the face and the punch glanced off him and landed on me, but the baby got a bruised face from it). I quickly walked to the bathroom, pushed her out of the way, and locked the door. She kicked, and kicked and finally kicked the door in, and came after me again. I gave the baby to her (bad decision but it the one I made). The baby was terrified and it took a while for her to calm down, after which, I again took the baby and told her she needed to calm down and then I would give her the baby (the adrenaline rush was over so she gave less of a fight this time).
This was a couple of years ago and was the most extreme instance, but much of her behavior seems to follow the same pattern. She wont get up for work on time (nothing new there), but she has a dream job, with very good pay and benefits (she is making 4$ an hour more than me), and she is going to screw it up and loose it, just like she has every other job she has had. If I try to wake her up though, its the same. I’m trying to help her but she takes it as an attack and attacks back. The laundry, piles all over the house. The dishes, all dirty and piled all over the kitchen. She has her routines for everything (and that’s her words). If I try to change or interfere with here routines, she takes it as an attack on her (she takes everything as an attack), and she responds with an attack. There is no calm or constructive discussion. If I say anything that goes against her or her routines, its an attack and a fight. That’s why it takes 3 hours to put the kids to bed, its her routine.
She loves he children very much, and would never intentionally harm them. She cannot deal with frustration though, and intentions go out the door. She gets frustrated putting them to bed, and can get violent (in the extreme, she looses it and hit them enough to give a mark or bruse). It’s usually when I’m not actively participating in putting them to bed that it happens. She is getting frustrated and cannot deal with it. As far as marks or bruises, its only happened a half dozen times over a few years. I was beaten as a child and refuse to follow the pattern. IF she is getting violent with the kids, it is usually preceded by violent screaming (she’s loosing it), so even if I’m asleep, I wake up from the screaming and diffuse the situation. Diffusing the situation means a demand that she step out and go to bed (sometimes it works).
I probably sound like she beats the children all the time. She doesn’t. She is very loving and caring and would probably give her own life for her children if she is in a rational state of mind. The problem is, she is not always in a rational state of mind.
If I challenge her routines, I lose. I gotta fight the fight though???
Last thing, her most popular threat is I’m leaving you. It’s an idle threat, but its constant and she is unstable, so she could cause problems. Even when I was hurt beyond belief, she left me twice. The second time, I said don’t come back, and she said, you cannot stop me, I’m on the lease. About 10 years back, I had a major back injure (ruptured disks on L5S7 if I recall right). I turned into a drunk. Walmart medical said it was work related and wouldn’t pay for surgery (it happened on the job at wall mart). Wallmart workmans comp said, the injure was treated (with steroids which are common for delaying but not curing back problems), and was a new injury due to the fact that it came back a year later makes it a new injury. Either its work related or its not. Either way, walmart has to pay (workmans comp or medical insurance, I’m covered). They were willing to destroy 2 years of my life to avoid trying to pay. It was public that they did this (deny all major medical claims and force it on public programs). Some people actually committed suicide and families sued and won. I did it too. I took a rifle that I built in college (I have a degree in gunsmithing), put it in my mouth, and pulled the trigger. It was Israeli surplus ammo (I had and still have a few thousand rounds of it), and a round didn’t fire, or I would be dead. For years, I was reminded about my violent behavior then, and with alcohol use, it’s still used against me. I was violent and out of control (I was in so much pain I often tried to drunkenly kill myself and I was out of control with my drinking, even at work).
She left me twice and stayed with her mother. The second time, I said, don’t come back, The response was, I’m on the lease, you cannot stop me. If I mention her being violent, or my alcohol use comes into question, that situation 10 years ago is her defense…She constantly threatens to leave. She did leave me and stayed in a hotel a few months back (with no intention of really leaving, it was to punish me). Strangely enough, it was 10 times more difficult to take care of 2 children in a hotel (second floor and they threatened to kick her out because they were causing such a ruckus). It turned from I’m leaving you to I just needed to get away, but cannot handle it, so help with the kids…
What to do, what to do…
If I ever challenger her too much, I get reminded about what I did.