Film Review: Charlie Chocolate





Hated it! Thumbs way down! Jeers!

The characters were all bleached of personality so they wouldn’t upstage Johnny Depp.

Veruca salt-I was hoping for a chuckle about her being a nasty, selfish, british BITCH but she wasn’t hardly at all! The old Veruca in the original movie was WAY much more of a bitch than this one was.

Mike Teevee-this one didn’t have even a fraction of the flavor of the original Mike Teevee.

Violet Beauregarde-The best one of the bunch which isn’t saying much, cool little twist her being ultra-competitive, but that little sideline didn’t really go anywhere or mean anything. It was cool she put the gum behind her ear I liked that. I still like the old one better.

Augusta Gloop-Fat slob and regarded as such. I found myself wondering if some heavyset kids in the audience wouldn’t feel ashamed when they see people mocking the disgusting fatbody on the big screen. He was funny though the way he talked while stuffing his face, and how he ran around gorging himself totally oblivious to the potential for diabetes. Toss-up between old and new Augustus.

Charlie Bucket-why do they always get some 20 pound sawed-off shrimp for kids roles these days? I bet he doesn’t grow up to be any bigger than Gary Coleman. Even so I’ll go with the new CB since the old one kind of annoyed me.

The Parents-all of them non-characters, nothing to say, not even decent reactions-again I think so as not to upstage depp.

Willy Wonka-He’s certainly no Gene Wilder. A few chuckles maybe. Definitely old Willy is better than the new.

Okmmpa Loompas-I bet the midget actors union was pissed-they made them all from one single actor! I call weakness on that. Plus the songs were lame. Old Loompas were better even though they were heinously ugly.

What was good? The squirrels. Some of the CG if you’re impressed by that. Not much else.

Overall the experience of Charlie Chocolate was like eating 10 diabetic candy bars-phony flavor, and lots of smelly gas and diarrhea later on. How dare Ebert and whatsisname give this two thumbs up! They owe me MONEY.


I went out to see it to. I found some aspects nice, but I hated others. What I really liked was Depp’s performance. Also, I liked the graphics.

What I didn’t like is that some stuff was left out. The most evil things (Charly and his grandpa doing bad stuff and the scary song) were just… left out. That really sucks. It’s like they wanted to make the story more suitable for children. Well hello… this ain’t no children-only story. Too bad, a missed chance!