Originally posted by Mr. Belvedere
Vergeef mij , ik las het pas voor het eerst [/B]
Het zei je vergeven…maar hij is al een tijdje oud…
Heb hieronder wat oude gein geplakt:
Funnel or tunnel
Updates to Staff Handbook - Effective immediately
It is advised that you come to work dressed accordingly to your salary. If we see you wearing Â£350 Prada sneakers & carrying a Â£600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a bonus. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a bonus or increment.
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
ANNUAL LEAVE DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1 and Dec. 25
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the WC. In the future, we shall follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin the ‘A’ will go From 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin the ‘B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees’ supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minuted time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the office bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast and take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to the Dept. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all question, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Who wears the pants in your home:
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side:
When I got married to you mother the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.
They were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn’t possibly wear them, as they were too large.
I said to her of course they are too large for you, I wear the trousers in this family and always will. Ever since that day we never have a single problem.
Jack took his fathers advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing. He took off his trousers and handed them to Jill and told her to try them on.
When she did she said “I can’t wear these, they’re too large for me”.
“Exactly” Jack replied “I wear the trouser in this family and I always will. I don’t want you to ever forget that”
Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack. “Try these on
Jack” she said, so he tried in vain to get them on, but they were too small.
“I can’t get into your knickers” said Jack.
“Exactly” said Jill “and if you don’t change your fucking attitude, you never will”
Excerpts from actual employee evaluations:
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom
and has started to dig.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
I would not allow this employee to breed.
This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change which ever foot was previously in there.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One-celled organisms out-score him in IQ tests.
Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He’s so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, she’d get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
Takes him 11/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.