[Mr. Belvedere]

John signs up to an excusive nude camp and has to pay $500!
"Well it´s expensive but i can´t wait untill i see the babes"-he thought

As he was thinking about this a hot babe passes by and john has a huge erection!

-did you called me sir?said the girl
-me?no!why do you say that?
-well you must be new here.there´s a rule that says that everytime a man has an erection while a woman is passing by that man is calling her and can do whatever he wants with her!

John all smilie took the girl behind a bush and made wild sex with her!

he then starts walking to know the rest of the camp and ends up in the sauna,but meanwhile he produces an hell of a loud Fart!A huge man comes to him and says:

-excuse me sir,you called for me?
-me?no!why do you say that?

-well there´s a rule stating that when you fart near a man you´re calling him and he can do whatever he wants with you!

so the man took john behind a bush and gives him a new walk style if you know what i mean!

John after this starts running to the reception heads the locker keys to the nude receptionist and says:
-here you go mam i´m out of here you can keep the $500!
-but you just arrived 3 hours ago!you didn´t even visited half the camp!
-Listen miss i´m a 63 year old man,i have an erection once a week but i fart 15 times a day,so i´m the hell out of here!

[SwENSkE]

Although I'm everything but a racist I love the following joke:

A man comes to a bar in Alabama with an alligator on a dogs-lead.
He asks the bartender:
'Do you serve Niggers?'
And the bartender answers:
'Of course we do!'
Says the man:
'OK, then give me one for the alligator!'

[Womble]

A very successful lawyer parked his...

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don''t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"

[Mr. Belvedere]

"I liked the book better"

"Didn't watch it , first want to read the book"

"Wheres the disclaimer ? Aren't all characters fictional !?"

"Monty Python did a better job"

[Womble]

One day a man was out playing golf, when he sliced his shot off into a patch of buttercups.

Rather disgusted with himself, he went in search of his ball.

After finding it, he was ready to hit the ball back on the fairway when he heard a voice say "please don't hurt my buttercups".

Startled, he looked around to find the source of the voice to no avail.

Again the man prepared to hit his golf ball and again he heard the voice say "please don't hurt my buttercups".

This time when the man looked to find the source of the voice, he saw a small leprechan standing by him. The little man spoke to the man and said, "Please sir, if you will kindly pick up your ball and throw it up onto the fairway instead of hitting it with your club, I will reward you with a year's supply of butter for free".

The man thought about the offer for a minute then replied, "That's a fine offer, but I have but one question for you, where were you last week when I hit my ball into the pussywillows?"




Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."





A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."





A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

[Wesociety]

What do you call a kid that goes out a buys three Ipods?

A tripod!

[theone1_]

Uhhh, yeah. It's 4:00am and I'm going to chuck this on before I forget. One favour though.. I uploaded this and the link is only valid for seven days.... so if possible could someone put it on a permanent server, for others to see TIA

10MB Streaming .mov file (QUICKTIME)

[Mr. Belvedere]

" I'll explain it all later "

[theone1_]

Originally posted by Ssseth
Good one!

Aha! You didn't follow the rules! You have to post a joke for *every* post you do on this thread. So here goes:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[Ssseth]

Ooops, got this thread mixed up with the Quest one


----------------------------

Newfie (Newfoundland, Canada) Lawsuit

A Newfie calls his lawyer and asks... "What's with all the lawsuits going
on? I want to get in on some of that action. I hear people are suing
cigarette companies because they got cancer and others are suing McDonalds
because they got fat."
Lawyer: "And which one of those categories do you fit under?"
Newfie: "Neither. I just want to know if I can sue Molson's for all the
ugly women I've slept with?"

[Dee-ehn]

A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday,
with a beautiful young lady at his side. "I'm looking for a special
ring
for my girlfriend" he said. The jeweler looks through his stock, and
takes
out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.
"I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique," he
said.
At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe.
"Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girl's eyes sparkled, and the
man
said that he would take it.
"How are you paying?"
"I'll pay by check, but of course the bank would want to make sure
that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone
the
bank tomorrow, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday".

Monday morning a very pissed off jeweler phones the man. " You
bastard, you lied there's no money in that account."

"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?"

[Crabbyappleton]

Back in the days of the old west, a man was minding his own business having a few beers in the local saloon. He gets about half loaded, gets up and leaves. As he steps outside the bar however, he sees his horse and someone had painted it's balls bright red.

First shocked, the man quickly becomes infuriated, he whirls around, throws open the saloon doors, stomps in and bellows at the top of his lungs: "All right dammit - I wanna know which one of you sons of bitches painted my horses balls red!!!"

The piano player stops playing, gamblers stop gambling and everyone is quiet ..... pretty soon, the crowd parts and there before him is the biggest, baddest, sombitch in the whole bar who says: "I did! What about it?"

The man looks up at this giant and replies: "Oh nothing sir, I just wanted to let you know...the first coat's dry."

[VAD]

Looks like these two have not been mentioned in this thread

Husband 1.0

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperates

------------

Marathon Man

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's car pull up. "Hurry! Jump out the window. My husband's home early!" Her lover said, "I can't jump out the window. It's raining!" The woman said, "If my husband catches us, he'll kill us both!" So, her lover grabbed his clothes, jumped out the window, and started running. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he started running alongside the others. Being naked with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. After awhile, a small group of runners who had been studying him jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh, yes,"he replied. "It feels so wonderful having the air blow over your skin while you're running." Another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?" The lover said, "Oh, yes. That way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home." Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queued, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" The lover replied, "Only when it's raining!"

[Shayde]

A guy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday.
The priest notices him and is very concerned.

"What happened, my child?"

"I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that
the girl in front of me had a wedgie. So I pulled it out,
and she punched me in the eye."

"Okay. But how did you get the other black eye?"

"Well, I thought I'd done something wrong. So I put her
wedgie back."

[Shayde]

A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when
he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door,
and shouted: Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all
heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that
when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "SHUT THE F**K UP!!!"

The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark
room: "Good Night, Sergeant"

---
www.crashlaughing.com

[Da_Taxman]

Good ones...especially liked the Marathon Man & Good night.

But following my own rules, here's my contribution:

Joe
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[Da_Taxman]

Thought this one was hilarious too:

Are you my daddy?

A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram. He sees the baby and suddenly the baby says, “Are you my daddy?” The doctor is shocked and goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram. The baby says again, “Are you my daddy?” The doctor says, “No, I'm not your father.” They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked, “Are you my daddy?” And the father says, “Yes, I am!” So, the baby pops out of the mother's womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head while saying, “How do you like that?! How do you like that?!”

[VAD]

"Good night" is hilarious So is "my daddy".
Here's another one.

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'

[Mr. Belvedere]

How to split an atom , the easy way :


Get the atom
Give the atom to your wife
Tell her "Now do NOT break it , ok ?"

[Mr. Belvedere]

Courage is ..

when come home late after a drinking party with your friends ,
and your wife attacks you with a broom ,
on which you reply ,
"Still cleaning the house or just flying around ?"

[Ssseth]

Top 10 Things Men Know About Women 

1. 

2. 

3. 

4. 

5. 

6. 

7. 

8. 

9. 

10.

[debro]

****************************************************

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two
female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to
learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet
so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and
the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's
toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach
the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began
hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was
unusually well endowed for an elementary school child. "I
guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.
Thanks for the lift anyhow."

****************************************************
A wharfie dies in a fishing accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself
greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes
his hand and says "Congratulations!"
"Congratulations for what?" asks the wharfie.
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact
that you lived to be 160 years old."
"But that's not true," says the wharfie . "I only lived to be forty."
"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

****************************************************
Letter of Recommendation -

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.

Sd/-

Project Leader


-----

A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:

That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote
the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read every second
line (ie. 1, 3, 5, 7,9, ..) for my true assessment of him.

Regards,

Sd/-

Project Leader

****************************************************

The country was in a terrible state
Parliament sat for a budget debate
It was quite a few moments before Costello spoke
Then he said, "Sex will be taxed, 5 bucks for a poke.

Whether you're short, long, skinny or thick,
The tax will be paid on the use of your prick"
Then Gareth Evans said, "Peter look here,
Will the tax apply to the boys who are queer ?"

Alexander Downer rose and looked rather glum,
"Will I be exempt because I like a bum ?"
Peter replied and sounded quite airy
"You'll pay double, you dirty old fairy".

Up rose Little Johnnie Howard to tremendous applause,
He grabbed Bronwen Bishop and ripped off her drawers,
He straddled across her and stuffed her at will,
Then shouted at Peter, "Put that in your Bill".

Kim Beazley then shouted, "I think I'll resign !
I haven't had sex in a very long time.
I dream every night of a big juicy crutch,
But 5 bucks a go, that's too bloody much".

The debate carried on, oh what a sight !
Mal Colston was wanking the whole of the night
MP's were coming, the speaker came last,
And in the excitement the dumb Bill got passed.

So now in the bedrooms of Australia at night,
There's many a fanny that's closed good and tight,
They're taxing our books and taxing our smokes,
And now the bastards are taxing our pokes.

If 5 bucks a grind is what we must pay,
It's now with ourselves that we must play,
To quench our frustrations, we must have a wank,
And for the state of the country, we've Peter to thank.

[debro]

The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author
of the worst possible opening line of a book. This has been so
successful that Penguin now publishes five books-worth of entries.


Some recent winners (GOTTA LIKE THE FIRST ONE !!):

"As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break
wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it."

"Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."

"With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned,
unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep
azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that
vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a
beauty that defied description."

"Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he
crept along the east wall: "Andre creep ... Andre creep ... Andre
creep."

"Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of
narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley
sex-change surgeon -- to become the woman he loved."

"Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her
from seeking out a living at a local pet store."

"Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then
penguins often do."

"Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the
corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

"Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the
meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of
danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with
suicidal tendencies.

AND THE BEST OF ALL:

"The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along
the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle
window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown
asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian
lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's
deception,
screaming madly, "You lied!"

[Ssseth]

There were these three programmers at a geek bio-metrics convention sitting
around between shows when one of them (the Apple type) started having a
buzzing noise near his ear...

"Ah, that's my built in pager I have implanted in my earlobe" so he pressed
his earlobe and listens to the message...

Few minutes later the other one programmer (the Linux guy) had a ringing
sound near his wrist...

"Ah, that's my built in cell phone" to which he answered by talking into the
palm of his hand.

Not to be out done the Microsoft programmer got up and came back a few
minutes later, but the other two noticed he had a few sheets of toilet paper
sticking out his rear...

"Ah, well look at that, I got a fax coming in..."

[Womble]

31 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life:


1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead

. 2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-)

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that CD could refer to investment finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. However, you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better: the track ball or the track pad.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.