[bigmike7]

Yo-

Why Older Chicks Rule

by Andy Rooney from CBS "60 Minutes".

This is for all you girls 40 years and over.... and for those who are turning 40, and for those who are scared of moving into their 50's...AND 60's....and for guys who are scared of girls over 40!!!!

Andy Rooney says:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

Amen to that!!

[crossg]

Smart coach


Some high school coaches went to a coaches' retreat. To save money,
they had to room together.

No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole
time, so they voted to take turns.

The first coach slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast
the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes
all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so
loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was
a different coach's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing
up, eyes all blood- shot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man,
that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly
ex-football player; a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy
tailed. "Good morning." They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what
happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked
Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night long."

[Mr. Belvedere]

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[geno888]

smoke...

[ako]

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and
the economy grows. You sell the herd and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk
of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of
an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create irritating cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market
them worldwide at a fantastic profit.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat
once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ENGLISH CORPORATION

You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count
them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you
have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another
bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for
storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION

You have two cows. You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
newsman who reported the numbers.

A WELSH CORPORATION

You have two cows. The younger one is rather attractive.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have 2 stolen bulls but think they are cows. You die the first time
you try and milk them.

AN IRISH CORPORATION

Who cares? The EU really owns them now and the pub is still serving.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows. You don't know what they are used for, as they aren't
sheep. You shag them anyway.

[Mr. Belvedere]

Two nice pictures:

[ako]

This got Australia laughing. Read it and you'll see why!
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many Sydneyfolks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is
called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are
married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers
"yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The
person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone
number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three
questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop
to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard
yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you
win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that
if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for
a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's
work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?"
(Touchtones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give
any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate
Match'?"
Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely
honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your
answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold
Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question,>
Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you
ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "UP THE AR5E!!.."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
And the drivers of Sydneyalmost crashed their cars laughing!

[awdrifter]

Webmasters who didn't think when they registered their URL

Check out this list of web site names that, on a casual glance,
read very differently to what the webmaster intended. Yes, run the two words together and you'll begin to understand the problem ;>)

1) Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com

2) Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views:
http://www.expertsexchange.com

3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net

4) Need a therapist?
http://www.therapistfinder.com

5) Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com

6) Gas central heating anyone?
http://www.gasheating.co.uk

7) New to Milan and you need electric light? Why not sign up on-line with Power-Gen?
http://www.powergenitalia.com

[Sexy_Southerner]

hole in one

[geno888]

playing golf

[bigmike7]

Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:

40-ish ........................ 49.
Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone.
Athletic ...................... No breasts
Average looking .......... Moooo.
Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure ... On medication.
Feminist .................... Fat
Free spirit .................. Junkie
Friendship first .......... Former slut.
New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs.
Open-minded ............. Desperate
Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional .............. Bitch
Voluptuous ................ Very Fat
Hugh frame ............... Hugely Fat
Wants soul mate ....... Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit - I'm gay

[Sexy_Southerner]

[Sexy_Southerner]

saw this on another site ..and it made me pee in my pants...

Thomas the Tank Engine

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
train stop and her son saying,

"All of you b*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in
a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on,
cause we're going down the tracks".



The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind
of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay
there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your
train,but I want you to use nice language."



Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son
say,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, p! lease remember to take
all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us
today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."


She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we
ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember,
there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and
relaxing journey with us today."



As the mother began to smile, the child added..........








"For those of you who are pi**ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please
See the fat b**ch in the kitchen."

[ako]

I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.

A closely monitored, scientific study of a group revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. If there are many differences found between both dolphins, it means that the person is experiencing a great amount of stress.

Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a Holiday.

[bigmike7]

Southern Accent

After the southern tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice looking too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in Georgia, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

[geno888]

This is not grappa eh!

[Sulacu]

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[Sexy_Southerner]

[Mr. Belvedere]

A comic your parents grew up with:

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Even more disturbing comics can be found here

[shadow07]

ok here goes a joke

there were 4 surgeons at a hospital sitting around the table eating lunch. these were top ones in their fields and they were discussing patients
the first doctor said the best patients are accountants. the other doctors asked why you say that? the first one replied that every time i open one up, everything is numbered.
the second doctor said that librarians are the best patients and not accountants. again the question was asked why? because every time i open one up, everything is catalloged.
the third doctor said electricians are the best patients. again they asked why you say that? cause every time i open one up, everything is color coded.
the fourth doctor said you all are wrong. the best patients are lawyers. they asked him why he determined that? he replied that everytime i open one up i find that they are gutless, heartless and spineless, and that their head and ass are interchangeable.

[Da_Taxman]

Don't try this at home, do NOT put a CD in a microwave

[Sulacu]

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[Sexy_Southerner]

This is for Mr B

[shadow07]

what the difference between a harley and a hoover?
the position of the dirt bag.

why is divorce so expensive? cause its worth it

what the difference between a g/f and a wife? 45 lbs

[Mr. Belvedere]

I don't even own a bong!

Understanding the other gender: