[debro]

[geno888]

[Ice cold]

What do you call a judge with no arms?




Justice legs

[geno888]

Wait...

[geno888]

[Sexy_Southerner]

Bush and Bean

[geno888]

When computer don't work...

[gene_simmons]

Embedded Images

View/download images and remove advertisements by registering now! (it's easy, free and takes less than a minute)

You must be registered in order view images in this forum.

[geno888]

Diamonds... will open all doors

[gene_simmons]

Embedded Images

View/download images and remove advertisements by registering now! (it's easy, free and takes less than a minute)

You must be registered in order view images in this forum.

[geno888]

war or peace.....

[awdrifter]

The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.
#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.
#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

[awdrifter]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone
is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you
turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

[awdrifter]

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find
out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up
a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit
the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared
and said:
You've Got Male!"

[awdrifter]

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "How boring. Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years?! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back...that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay", said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[I myself]

Why R ther 2 dorz on a chik3n koop...








(this isn't part of the joke but I was just thinking it would be cool if we had a specified clean joke thread)







On with the joke...

Because if it had four doors it would be a sedan

Note the masterful use of 1337 to mask the different spellings of the homophones (yes I rule)

[spooks]

George Carlin Strikes Again

1. There are three religious truths:
   • Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
   • Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
   • Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
2. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
3. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
4. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
6. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
7. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
8. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in ... what happens to the other penny?
9. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
10. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
11. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
12. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
13. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
14. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
15. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
16. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
17. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
18. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
19. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
20. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
21. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.
22. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
23. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
24. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
25. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
26. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
27. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
28. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
29. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
30. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

[pipemanid]

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

[bigmike7]

26 reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:

1 The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

6. A dog's parents never visit.

7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

10. Dogs seldom outlive you.

11. Dogs can't talk.

12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.

25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.


And, last but not least:


26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

[geno888]

steady....

[Sexy_Southerner]

Q: Why was Ragedy Ann taken out of the toy box?

A: She kept sitting on Pinnochios face and screaming, "LIE TO ME!"

[Sexy_Southerner]

OK this is SICKKKKKKKKK

There's this drunk bloke looking for a hooker he can get a fuck off of. He's in luck as he comes across a lady of the night who offers him a bit of business. "How much is it?"

"Well if you want a rough shag its 30 quid, if you want a smooth one, its 50"

the bloke looks in his wallet and goes "go on I ain't exactly flush tonite, I'll have a rough one" so he pays up they do the business he shoots his loads and starts getting ready to leave

"Out of interest luv" the bloke says "If I'd wanted a smooth one, what would the difference have been?"

"Well... If you wanted a smooth one, I would have picked the scabs off first!"

[sandman55]

Girl's Night Out

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh ####," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.

[Mr. Belvedere]

Standard gossip

[geno888]

picnic