[Smart@$$]

PEOPLE & THEIR DRINKS


A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer’s personality on what drinks they ordered?
Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
IF WOMEN DRINK ...

BEER
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
COCKTAILS OR BLENDER DRINKS WITH UMBRELLA
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
MIXED DRINKS - NO UMBRELLAS E.G.; SCOTCH AND SODA
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Approach: If she wants you, she’ll send YOU a drink.
WATER
Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach: Don’t.

WINE - (BOTTLED, NOT 4 LITRE CASK)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.

BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, ETC.
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you’re in.

CAPE VELVET
Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

SHOTS AND SLAMMERS (TEQUILA, VODKA, AFTERSHOCK ETC.)
Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait.......






IF MEN DRINK... (As always, very simple and clear cut.)
CIDER
He’s probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
CHEAP DOMESTIC BEER
He’s poor / student and wants to get laid.
CASTLE LAGER BEER
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
IMPORTED BEER
He’s old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
GUINNESS
The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
WATER
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid
WINE
He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.
VODKA OR BRANDY
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
PORT
Thinks he’s sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
WHISKY
He doesn’t give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.
JACK DANIELS
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.
RUM OR TEQUILA
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, ETC
He’s gay (blatantly) - don’t turn your back or pick up any dropped change.

[EFloUVA]

Ugh, the quest for the longest thread has really gone to hell. I don't think I'll go back there for a little while. It used to be funny, but oh well. This thread is promising, expecially since is watching over. I hope this provides all of you at cdfreaks with a little humor, even though it's not really a joke:

Source: PCWorld.com

Nagging Question: Who Coined the Term 'Bug'?

Engineers have been referring to bugs--flaws in a piece of machinery--since the 1800s. But computer bug is of more recent vintage. Back in 1947, Grace Murray Hopper was toiling away at Harvard's Mark II computer and found a moth lodged in the components. She extricated the ill-fated beastie and pasted it into the computer's logbook, with the notation "First actual case of bug being found." The terms bug and debugging entered the vernacular almost immediately thereafter. The famous moth now resides in the Smithsonian, where it fascinates computer historians and annoys entomologists, who know that technically a moth is not a true bug.

[EDIT] Changed my smilies to better express myself [EDIT]

[Airhead]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde
came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.. We all looked at each other
and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I
have lost it and need a new one." She replied that she did not know
exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic
gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece
looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is
there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right
there."

Click to see 710

[Airhead]

A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects milk,
some eggs, a carton of juice, and an apple.

As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, while a
drunk standing behind her in line watches. "You must be single,"
he slurs.

The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing
nothing unusual about her selection says, "That's right. How on
Earth did you know?"

"Simple," He replies, "you're ugly."

[Airhead]

The professor announced to his class, "Today we will
experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The
process is simple: each person will pair off with the person
sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write
the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the
first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story.
The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on
back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written
each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be
absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be
written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a
conclusion has been reached."

The following was turned in by two English students, Rebecca
and Gary.

First paragraph by Rebecca:
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.
The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings
at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in
happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must
now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness
was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her
asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.

Second paragraph by Gary:
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things
to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic
bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night
over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation17," he said into
his transgalactic communicator, "Polar orbit established. No
sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a
bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a
hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct
hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

Rebecca:
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not
before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing
the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon
afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards
the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in
her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited
her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of
her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree,
with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her
from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things
around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become
a woman?" she pondered wistfully...

Gary:
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted
wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace
Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a
defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after
the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course
for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire
planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated
their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret
mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the
coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which
vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans.
The President slammed his fist on the conference table.
"We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow
'em out of the sky!"

Rebecca:
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of
literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic
semi-literate adolescent.

Gary:
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
"Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other
sort of F#$%@# TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed
bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."

Rebecca:
Asshole.

Gary:
Bitch.

Rebecca:
DICK!

Gary:
Slut.

Rebecca:
Get F**$%*d.

Gary:
Go drink some tea - whore.

Rebecca:
F&*% YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

Gary:
Only in your dreams.


TEACHER:
A+ - I really liked this one

[Da_Taxman]

Good funnies Airhead, never mind that they were taken from another board...like I wrote mine myself...

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation, and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak, and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[Da_Taxman]

A rich man and a poor man were sitting in a bar late one night. They were talking about different things and then the poor man asked the rich man what he bought his wife for her birthday. "I got her a brand new Mercedes Benz and a 24-karat diamond ring," says the rich man.

The poor man, a bit puzzled, asked, "Why the hell did you get her both?"

The rich man replied, "I got her both so if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive her new car back to the jeweler's to exchange it. So... What did YOU buy for YOUR wife?"

The poor man said, "I bought her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo."

Obviously confused, the rich man asked why he chose those items.

The poor man replied, "Because if she doesn't like the flip-flops, she can go fuck herself!"

[Da_Taxman]

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[Mr. Belvedere]

Dear Guido,

I can’t seem to find a man to love me. I have tried
attending the socials at church and have been to many
of the functions at the Singles Connection. I have
gone on the singles cruises. I am bright, articulate,
and funny, but I can not get a man to ask me out. I
want to be married so bad. All of my friends are
married. What should I do?

Patsy



Dear Patsy,

It’s obvious that you are ugly. I can tell by your
handwriting. What makes it worse is that you are
whiny ugly. It’s bad enough that we have to look at
people like you, but why should we have to listen to an
ugly person bellyache too? But I’m Guido. I care. So here’s
what you’re gonna do.

Drink beer. Lot’s of beer. Beer not only can make
you look good to yourself, it can help you get laid.
I know this from the personal studies I researched when I attended Community
College. Patsy, bank on it. This is true.

But that’s not all, while drinking beer is
good, it’s not enough. You have to drink lots of beer
in public places where there are other people who
drink lots of beer. It’s a proven fact. People who
drink lot’s of beer will find you attractive after a
few hours. You’ll have to make through the first
couple of hours when they insult you and throw things
at you. But close to 1:00 AM or 2:00 AM they will find you
attractive. Then you can then take them home with you and
they will do things to you that you have never even dreamed
of. That’s good. While this happens, drink more
beer. That way you won’t remember in the morning.

Oh, one more thing. Get a big screen TV with the NFL
Super Sunday Package. I’m talking a HUGE HONKIN’
BIG SCREEN TV. Oh, and a leather lazy boy with that vibro
massage and heat. When your ‘date’ wakes up he won’t
want to leave. Just turn on the Bears Game and plop him
down in the lazy boy. Get lots of chips and dip. Of course, more beer for you
and him.

Now, here’s the tuff part. It will take you a couple
of steady months of drinking lots of beer. You’ll
have to gain his trust to do this. Pick out one of
the guys who has a job and doesn’t throw up a lot.
Make sure that he’s the type of guy who goes on a week long binge with a
tendency to black out. Get him started on Corona and
then work him up to Heineken. Once you get him there,
start feeding him shots of Jim Beam on the plane to
Vegas. Yeah that’s right, Vegas. When he wakes up,
show him your wedding ring. Thank him for a lovely wedding
ceremony and honeymoon. Celebrate by drinking beer.

Best Regards,
Guido

P.S. Don’t have kids.

[danny5]

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[Mr. Belvedere]

JUDGE: Order, order in the court. Let the next case come forward.
CLERK: Calling Petey vs. Suzie.
JUDGE: Are both parties here and ready to begin?
PETEY: Yes, your honor.
SUZIE: Yes, your honor.
JUDGE: Clerk, what are the charges?
CLERK: Suzie has accused Petey of having cooties.
(Assorted mumbling from the crowd)
(JUDGE bangs his gavel)
JUDGE: Settle down, settle down all. I realize this is a serious charge to some, but please allow the court to continue with its work. Suzie, please call your first witness.
SUZIE: I’d like to call my little brother Sam to the stand.

(Pause while Sam makes his way to the stand and is sworn in)
SUZIE: Sam, isn’t it true that though – or maybe because – we’re brother and sister, there’s been numerous times we haven’t seen eye to eye?
SAM: Yes, that’s true.
SUZIE: And yet you’re here today because you overheard the conversation between Petey and I, and want to do what’s right. Is that correct?
SAM: Yes. I was standing next to Petey when it happened.
SUZIE: Then you no doubt heard when Petey accused me of being, and I quote, “a boogerhead”.
SAM: Well… uh, I think the exact words were “a big boogerhead”.
SUZIE: A big boogerhead. And is it not true that you’ve never seen a booger in my hair or face?
SAM: Are you kidding? You’re always washing up any time the mere threat of a dirt speck comes near you.
SUZIE: And wouldn’t you say that my head is a normal size?
PETEY: Objection! Sam’s not an expert on head sizes.
JUDGE: Granted. Please rephrase that question, Suzie.
SUZIE: Ok. Sam, wouldn’t you say that you’ve seen other kids my age with larger heads?
SAM: I’d guess I have.
SUZIE: Well then, Petey’s claim must be dismissed. And wouldn’t you say that someone who made such a horribly wrong statement about another’s head must have something wrong with their own. Like perhaps an infestation of cooties ?
SAM: Well, I don’t know…
PETEY: Objection, your honor. She’s trying to put words in his mouth.
SUZIE: You’re just mad because he’s a friend.
PETEY: Hey, he’s your witness.
SUZIE: Well, at least I’m not a pimple puss.
PETEY: I’m rubber and you’re glue, names bounce off me and stick to you.

(JUDGE bangs his gavel repeatedly)
JUDGE: Order! Order! I’ll have none of that kind of behavior in my courtroom! Do you want to act like screaming adults or settle this like kids?
SUZIE: Sorry, your honor.
PETEY: Sorry, your honor.
JUDGE: Very well. Suzie, are you finished with this witness?
SUZIE: Sure. Petey can have his turn.

PETEY: As Suzie mentioned, we’ve been friends for a while, haven’t we, Sam.
SAM: Oh yeah, we’ve been hanging out together for some time now.
PETEY: We’ve had some fun and gotten into some mischief, right?
SAM: Sure have.
PETEY: But even at my worst times, wouldn’t you say I’ve been free of cooties?
SAM: Well, there’s been mud, and worms… but no, can’t think of any cooties.
PETEY: There you have it, no cooties. No further questions.
JUDGE: You may step down, Sam.

(Pause while Sam takes his seat)
JUDGE: Call your next witness, Suzie.
SUZIE: Um, actually, I was wondering if we couldn’t have a recess.
JUDGE: What for?
SUZIE: Well, I was looking outside while Sam and Petey were talking, and noticed that the rain has let up. So I was hoping we could go outside and play.
PETEY: Hey, that would be cool! Much better than staying inside all day.
JUDGE: But what about the case?
SUZIE: Um, well, I apologize for saying you have cooties, Petey. I drop my charges.
PETEY: And I don’t think you really are a big boogerhead, Suzie. So, can we go play now, Judge.
JUDGE: Very well, case dismissed. I also rule that I get the first turn on the tire swing.
(JUDGE bangs his gavel one final time, and both parties file out, followed by other kids.)

[Mr. Belvedere]

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so
good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away
three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

[Savannah]

Bald
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to
thinking about things.
"Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he
asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for
coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked,
"So why do you have so much hair?"

[theone1_]

Sisters of Mercy



A man driving down a deserted highway notices a sign:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks it's a figment of his imagination and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Realizing these signs are real he drives on and soon sees a
third...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the
driveway. On the side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads... SISTERS OF MERCY

He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers. "Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun. He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door," and leaves. The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in the nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. The door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

[theone1_]

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. Sure enough, at midnight the nun shows up and begins praying. The hippie jumped out from hiding and says, "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, but first you must have sex with me."

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"

Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!"

[Kerry56]

This is an old one I stole, but a favorite.

A man walks into a bar with a baboon, sits on a stool and orders two beers, one for himself and one for the baboon.

The bartender is outraged. "I can't serve beer to a baboon!" But the man calms him down and explains that the baboon is very well behaved and won't be any trouble. Sure enough, the baboon sits quietly sipping his beer and shelling peanuts.

The bartender and the man soon forget about the baboon, talking about the game on the tv, and the baboon gets bored. He wanders across the room to the pool table, watches the game for a minute, then grabs the cue ball and swallows it.

Well, all hell breaks loose. The players are yelling, the bartender is irate, the baboon is running around the room.

Finally, the man calms everyone down saying, "There's no problem, I'll just retrieve the cue ball when it passes, clean it up and return it, good as new."

Several days later the man comes back to the bar with his baboon and returns the cue ball. "See, good as new."

Well, the bartender isn't too happy, but he allows the baboon another beer and a bowl of peanuts.

The baboon looks at the peanuts, shells one of them, sticks the peanut up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it.

"Holy crap!" the bartender yells, "What the hell is he doing now?"

"Well, ever since that cue ball passed through, he's been sizing everything he eats."

[Savannah]

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
__________________________________________________
___________


Dear Penis

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the work place carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely
The Management

[Savannah]

A priest, who wanted to raise money for his church, was told there was
a fortune in horse racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and enter it
in some races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses
was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey instead. Although he had some
doubts, the priest figured that he might as well enter the animal in a race
just to see how it would do. To his surprise the donkey came in second.

The next day the headlines read: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS

The priest was so pleased that he entered the animal in another race, and
this time it won.

The headline read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the priest to get rid
of the animal. The priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent.

The next day the headline read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the
donkey. After several days, the nun finally sold the beast to a local
farmer for $10.

The headline read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS

They buried the bishop the next day.

[Savannah]

A GIRLS PRAYER
Lord, Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One
who thinks before he speaks, When promises to call, he won't wait weeks. I pray
that he is gainfully employed, And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh!
Send me a man who will make love to my mind, Knows just what to say, when I ask
"How big is my behind?" One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin, In the
hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen! I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend. And as I kneel and pray by my bed, I
look at the dickhead you sent me instead. Amen.

A BOYS PRAYER
Lord, I pray for a girl with nice tits. Amen.

[Savannah]

Girl & her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's the girl's turn to buy a round, she tells him that she's heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try.

She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two glasses. One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.

Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."

He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go.

First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth. Then he takes the lime juice.

T + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.
T + 0.3 secs: Boyfriend's face turns the color of fresh lime juice.
T + 0.6 secs: Boyfriend calms his stomach & swallows the gunge.
T + 1.5 secs: She whispers in his ear....

"It's called Blow job revenge"

[Savannah]

Billy at School
Little Billy returns home from school and says he got an F in
arithmetic.

Why?" asks the father."

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'

"What's the ****ing difference? " asks the father.

"That's exactly what I said!"

Billy back to School
Little Billy goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Billy says " Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Billy, that's a mouthful."

Little Billy says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow job."

Billy wont learn
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little Billy.

Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just ****ing beautiful!"

[Savannah]

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to observe.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter,"said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through,
one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?".

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, but....... "but his face rings a bell"


The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.".

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped, picked up a mallet and struck the bells as beautifully as his brother. But as he finished, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but..."

But he's a dead ringer for his brother

[Savannah]

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room.

The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."

___________________________________________________

A teenage girl came home from school and asks her mother,
"Is it true what Rita just told me?"

"What's that?" asks her mother.

"That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter.

"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

___________________________________________________

A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice.

She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said,

"Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to".

[Savannah]

A young man is wandering lost in a forest when he comes upon a small house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long greybeard. "I'm lost," said the man."Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly", the Chinese man said, "but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man. "The man agreed, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to
the young man as well, as she couldn't keep her eyes off of him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old man wouldn't hear, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read: Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.
Well, that's easy, he thought. If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about. "He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle. In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read: Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.

[cmr3000x]

Ouch!

Some weird/dumb pick-up lines that involve food companies...

.:. Are you from Campbell's? Cuz you are M-M-Good!
.:. Are you from McDonald's? Cuz you always make me smile!
.:. Are you from Hostess? Cuz you got cakes!

It's amazing how kids at school make this crap up!